Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Lose weight while you sleep!

That's the ultimate grifter headline, isn't it? But I tell you it's true -- in my limited case, anyway.

When I went to the doctor yesterday, I learned that I lost 45 pounds in the last six months. And how did I do it? Why, in my sleep, of course.

Here's the snag. I really don't like food, so overeating isn't an enjoyable pastime for me. But I can get fat anyway because I take Trazodone to fall asleep. It works like a charm but it also tends to stupify me to the point where I wake up several times during the night and eat everything I encounter: a full jar of peanut butter, two bags of cookies, etc. This will make you fat. I've proven this fact to my satisfaction.

Luckily, this was only happening because I didn't care. Then, one bright sunny day, I decided to get skinny. How? It's simple. I told myself not to eat anything during the night. I haven't eaten one thing at night since I made that decision. (What can I say? I can give myself orders and follow them. This has always been easy for me.)

So now I'm a skinny guy -- and I lost the weight while I slept, just as the headline claims. Today, I weigh 220 pounds at 6' 5". (That's not much for that height, BTW.)

Sorry if this plan won't work for you.