Friday, April 17, 2015

Baseball pops up again

The long, cold winter is over and baseball is here. I can't tell you how thrilling this is for me. I adore baseball. When baseball is in season, I don't have to have a life -- which is such a relief. I can just sit in front of the TV and watch games. What a benefit!

Even though the season is young, I've already heard odd things from the sportscasters. Now you get to hear about them too.

Let's start with things that confused me.

I asked this last year and got no answer. I'm still waiting, so here it is again: What the hell is a "seeing-eye single"? I heard it again this year and I have no clue what it means.

Keith Hernandez said something that went right over my head. He said, "But if you get a hammy or a calf injury, that's trouble up river city". River city?

Another one that confused me, at least at first, was that after a guy hit a line drive into left field, Keith (why is it always Keith?) said "You could hang laundry on that long drive. Look at that clothesline!" I thought about this and was initially stumped. In the end, I decided that he was talking about the height of the drive. It was literally at clothesline level. You wouldn't think something like that would become a thing.

And finally (in the "I didn't understand it" category), I've been stumped by something that I never heard before. The announcers keep talking about who won a platinum glove last year. Platinum? I seem to have missed a memo.

Here's a fun, odd thing: I think it was Gary Cohen (a Mets announcer) who told a story that involves the way New Yorkers speak. He said a long time ago, a Brooklyn Dodgers pitcher named Hoyt was hit by a ball. In response, the fans yelled "Hoyt's hurt!" But in typical New York accents, it came out "Hurts hoyt".

UPDATE: It occurs to me that this might not be clear to those outside NY. In the old days, New Yorkers said "erl" for "oil". And yes, they said "oil" for "earl". They were very consistent about their mispronunciations. So Hoyt's hurt came out Hurt's hoyt. See? This is about men my father's age (he's dead now; we're talking long ago). They spoke in a weird neighborhood way. I was amused when they would try to say "iodine". It came out "ee-oh-deen". As I say, they were consistent. I wonder how all that began. End of Update.

Baseball's back and I'm lovin' it. Hopefully you've got something in your life that provides this much fun for you. Okay, I'm gonna go watch another game. Later.

One monster down

Unfortunately there are many more monsters waiting in the wings, but at least this one is gone for good.
Cardinal Francis George, a vigorous defender of Roman Catholic orthodoxy who led the U.S. bishops' fight against Obamacare and played a key role in the church's response to the clergy sex abuse scandal, has died. He was 78.
What an evil man George was. Don't forget to play "Ding Dong, the Wicked Witch is Dead" today -- you know, to celebrate. Woohoo!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Christian rightwing nut says something

Via Ed Brayton's blog:
Warning that “gay abortionists” are out to “destroy the fruit of heterosexuality,” [Gary] Cass declared that Satan uses both abortion and gay marriage to “attack humanity at the core of their essence where the image of God resides, to destroy them sexually, to destroy the fruit of their womb.”
Uh, we are the fruit of heterosexual wombs. The haters never seem to recognize this ornery fact.


We spent god knows how many trillions of dollars on homeland security...and Gyro Gearloose has no problem landing his whirlybird on the Capitol lawn. What's wrong with this picture?

Congress must act now

As Congress twiddles its thumbs and strikes out at the president on a daily basis, it ignores the elephant in the room. Not once has a congressperson even mentioned a critical issue facing an important sector of the population -- American men who wear nail polish.

Yes, I'm talking about the fact that a man's manicure is ruined when he is forced to open and close a pants zipper all day long. No matter how many layers of polish a man wears, there's only so much abuse the finished surface can stand before a crack appears. And of course, at that point the manicure is ruined.

Men need bulletproof nail polish and they need it now. But has this issue even come up in open session in either house of congress? I've checked the records and I can tell you unequivocally that men's nail polish has never been mentioned in open session. This is a sin.

How long must American men suffer before they are granted relief? I regularly see grown men crying in public bathrooms as they look at their nails after zipping up. I tell you, it is the saddest sight in the world -- especially when you consider that no one in power cares.

Congress must take action immediately. Please, I beg of you, call or write your congressperson today and demand action. Men have suffered enough.

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Come getchur two stories heah

First we have this:
The Vatican has for weeks failed to accept the appointment of an openly gay diplomat as France's new ambassador, leading to speculation that the Holy See is effectively rejecting him because of his sexual orientation.
Gee, that couldn't be. I mean, isn't the pope a nice guy who thinks gay people are okay? No. As I've been telling you, the pope is about to launch his anti-gay "family" tour in the US. And when he does, we will liken him to Pope Ratzi, the gay-hating closet case pope. (Though Francis is straight.)

And there's another story included in this one, though some may not notice it. I believe the following is a preview of the papal tour that will soon come to America:
The family is threatened by growing efforts on the part of some to redefine the very institution of marriage, by relativism, by the culture of the ephemeral, by a lack of openness to life,” Francis said. “These realities are increasingly under attack from powerful forces, which threaten to disfigure God’s plan for creation.”
Yes, I'm sure Pope Francis is on our side. Hahaha.

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Back from the dead on Easter Sunday

The world's largest particle smasher restarted Sunday after a two-year upgrade that will allow physicists to explore uncharted corners of the matter that makes up the universe.
Now that's a rebirth. It's going to be an exciting year filled with new discoveries. And you know why? Because people worked on the Large Hadron Collider instead of wasting time listening to priests.

Praise humanity!
The world's largest particle smasher restarted Sunday after a two-year upgrade that will allow physicists to explore uncharted corners of the matter that makes up the universe.

Read more at: