Religious gits say incredibly dumb stuff

I mean, really.

According to Wayne Propst, he was replacing soil in his aunt Sharon Givan’s yard when he made the amazing discovery of the fossilized snail shells which he believes date back to the time of Noah’s flood.

“What’s really interesting to me is we’re talking about the largest catastrophe known to man, the flood that engulfed the entire world,” Propst explained, while showing off fossilized remains and adding, “Noah’s flood in my front yard. How much better can it get?”

Seeking to verify the veracity of his claim, Propst contacted self-proclaimed fossil expert Joe Taylor who stated that the fossils indeed are a remnant of the Biblical flood that covered the Earth due to God’s wrath.

Although Taylor has yet to study the fossils — or even lay eyes on them in person — he believes that they are a sign of the flood in the dry East Texas town and called the discovery “rare.

Indeed. Want some more? You know you do. Here you go.

“Now all I got to do is go in front of my aunt’s house and pick up something from back when it all began. I don’t even have to search anymore,” said Probst, adding, ” Who else can say they have a front yard full of Noah’s dirt?”

Propst’s aunt Sharon agreed, saying: “To think that like he says that we have something in our yard that dated back to when God destroyed the earth. I mean, how much better could anything be?”

How does someone end up this brain-dead? Oh, right. Churches. Never mind.

Satanists on top

You really have to hand it to the Satanists. These guys have a way with words:

The Detroit branch of the Satanic Temple has put up what they call a “Snaketivity Scene,” in which a snake offers a book titled, “Revolt of the Angels” as a gift. The snake is also wrapped around the Satanic cross. 

They knocked it out of the park with that phrase. What could be better than a "Snaketivity Scene"? It's just so darn special. But some wingnut Christians don't think so. Go figure.

State Senator Rick Jones, a Republican from the town of Grand Ledge, erected a Nativity scene on Friday featuring a baby Jesus, Joseph and Mary, and said he was glad to "represent the light and not the darkness,” AP reported. 

"They could have put theirs up in July or April or sometime. They didn't need to put it up in the Christmas season. That's OK. We're going to ignore them. I'm not afraid of the snake people. I'm sure that Jesus Christ is not afraid," Jones said. 

That was the best he could come up with, that he's not afraid of the snake people and neither is Jeebus. Swell. But of course this has nothing to do with Satan. It's just a bunch of fun atheists whose point is that you can't allow only Christian kitsch on government property. If you want to include sacred kitsch, you have to open the doors wide and let everyone in.

But rather than do the sensible, logical thing and take the Christian kitsch away, they were forced by law to allow anyone, even (gasp!) Satanists, to set up their kitsch.

But don't misunderstand. No one believes in Satan except religious nitwits. The truth is that there are no Satanists, just as there is no Satan and no god. This is just theater -- and good theater at that. Well done, guys!

Hohoho, Merry Xmas!

So...where are the demons?

A little over a year ago, I invited demons into my home. It was May of 2013 and I was expecting another hot summer. But then it occurred to me that, in the movies at least, demons tend to make a place feel cold. Brrrrrr. Sounded good to me.

So I went on the all-powerful internet and invited any and all demons into my home. That my public offer would infuriate the pope was the icing on my dark and daring cake. He loves him some demons. Thinks the devil is real! What a card. Always fun-loving, the new pope!

Well, here I am, more than a year later. I figure it's time to recount my extensive experiences with the demons during that time. Here goes:

Uh...well...tch. The demons that moved into my house must be the no-see-'em kind of demons. Because for the life of me, I never saw or heard them, ever. And nothing in my life changed. Well, that's not entirely true. My luck and health improved during the year -- I was even saved from a tree falling on my house! It was almost like I was protected.) And the house stayed nice and cool all summer! It worked!

My personal experience makes me wonder why people are so afraid of demons. It seems they don't do anything bad -- in fact, they sometimes help people live happier, healthier lives. I guess demons are kind of like vitamins. Protective, you know?

I wonder what religious gits think about all this. They go around blessing stuff and doing incantations to ward these demon fellers off. They seem to think demons are bad. So why did I have such a lovely year after inviting demons into my home? Is there a pastor out there who'd like to reply?

It couldn't be that...demons aren't real. Could it? Heavens!