No memory whatsoever

From the New York Times today:

The potential proliferation of both conventional and unconventional weapons in Libya after six months of civil war is a "key concern" for the United States, a senior American official said Wednesday.

Excuse me, but . . . weren't we just handing out guns to these people by the truckload a few weeks ago? And now we're worried about weapons proliferation?

There's no one in charge of continuity anymore. Just say any old thing and that's that; you won't be questioned. I send a shout-out to our fearless press: "You stupid twits! It's your failure that's bringing this country to its knees."

Popey guy's fingers all over Doctor Vito

I have completed my analysis of the emails sent me by the many Libyan fans of this blog. It seems Doctor Vito's disappearance was indeed the result of foul play -- of the foulest kind.

It is now confirmed that the popey guy had a hand in it! In fact, his hand was the only one in it, and that hand was all over Doctor Vito.

Although my analysis of the Libyan emails is now complete, and it shows a clear trail of holy wafers leading directly to the evil Vatican and its popey prince, I am awaiting even more conclusive evidence. An organization much larger than the Vatican is looking into this now.

Wikileaks is on the case! Julian Assange has assured me he will find out exactly what happened to this grand man, this hero, this Doctor Vito. The moment I have the news in hand, I will pass it on to you, dear readers.

In the meantime, there is something each of you can do to help Doctor Vito. This suggestion comes directly from the Doctor Vito Institute (TM). They have asked me to request your aid. Here's the deal:

Go to a public place at 5PM each and every day, and look up into the sky and applaud with all your might for Doctor Vito. As you do this, you must chant "Free Doctor Vito! Free Doctor Vito!" This call is going out around the world. Soon there will be video on all the TV stations, showing good-hearted people everywhere, clapping at the sky and demanding Doctor Vito's immediate release. Because of our dedication -- and our tremendous numbers -- we will focus the world's attention on the plight of this great man, this philosopher extraordinaire, this Doctor Vito.

I -- and the Doctor Vito Foundation -- ask that you gather in His name (Doctor Vito's) and take photos of yourselves and your friends applauding the sky -- and then send them to me toute suite. Let's post them here and on every blog so the world knows we will not sit by idly as this travesty takes place.

Free Doctor Vito! Free Doctor Vito! Free Doctor Vito!

For new readers, the backstory can be found here, here and here.

I don't want to worry anyone but . . .

Doctor Vito is missing! He and I were in constant contact until his appearance on Al Jazeera but right after that, he stopped responding to my emails. Then late last night I received a tweet from Chiffon Reeve of the Doctor Vito Foundation -- and it's as bad as I feared.

Chiffon, who was traveling with Doctor Vito, said she left their suite at a Libyan hotel so Doctor Vito could have sex with some women. She was afraid to leave the building because the streets were wild with protests, so she brought her laptop to the lobby and spent a few hours visiting atheist web sites and listening to the explosions and gunfire.

She said she must have dozed off at some point because she awakened at 1:15 am. And when she packed up the laptop and returned to their room, she found it empty! And on the bed, arranged in a cross, were ten special-issue Vatican bibles -- the rare "Pilgrim" volumes. Chiffon's blood ran cold the moment she saw the evil tomes. Doctor Vito had disappeared as a result of religious foul play!

It has been 18 long hours since Chiffon gave me the awful news. I haven't heard a peep since her tweet -- and that means Doctor Vito is still missing!

I know that a huge number of Libyans read this blog. I beg you, please put your revolution aside for the moment and help us find this invaluable intellectual! The man is a noted expert! That's Doctor Vito's image at the top of this post. [See it here.] Memorize his face and keep your eyes peeled for him! Please know that I understand you're busy right now and this request comes at a bad time for you, but for heaven's sake drop everything and help us find Doctor Vito!

Rest assured, Worldsers. I will keep you advised of any late-breaking news. For now, keep your fingers crossed! And Chiffon, if you're out there, tweet me!

Did you see Doctor Vito last night?!

I was watching Al Jazeera TV last night when suddenly who should appear on my screen but Doctor Vito! And he mentioned the blog!

Here's an excerpt from the interview:

Al Jazeera reporter: Doctor Vito, thank you so much for agreeing to appear on the show today.

Doctor Vito: As long as those five beautiful women show up at my room tonight, we're even, buddy.

Al Jazeera: Tell me, Doctor Vito, what brings you to Libya?

Doctor Vito: Well, I'm starting a new gig at a blog next week and I wanted to rest up, to get ready, you know? So I just picked a country name out of a hat. (Notices activity in the square outside, visible through studio window.) What's going on out there? A festival?

Al Jazeera: (Looks embarrassed) I'm sorry. I was under the impression that you were here to talk about the Libyan situation.

Doctor Vito: What Libyan situation? Is it okay if I smoke? (Takes out pack of Luckies, lights one.) It's just that my new gig is on this great blog called The Worlds Blog. (Smiles broadly). It's number one on the Vatican's hate list. That's how the whole thing came about. In a men's room in Rome last month, I noticed the popey guy hanging out near the stalls and overheard him spewing venom about this blog. So I checked it out. Love the baseball talk! (Link to the Worlds Blog appears at bottom of Al Jazeera screen.)

Tell me, son. Is something going on in this country? (Looks out window, sees multiple explosions, sits up straighter.) Hell! Now you tell me what's going on right now!

And then we lost electricity. I never did find out what happened during the rest of the show. But let me tell you: the blog hits shot up after Al Jazeera showed the site address onscreen. Dog! I swear, you guys are gonna love Doctor Vito. He is so aware. It's eerie!