He who barks

I got the call at midnight when I was dead asleep. Groggily, I said "OMD, who the hell is that?" When I reached for the phone, I heard my cousin Carmine's excited voice on the other end.

"It's dog! He was here!" he exclaimed. I could hear the tears of joy in his voice. Dog had come down to Earth and revealed himself -- to my cousin! I can't tell you much more because Carmine is sworn to secrecy. That's the way it works with these dogly visitations. It's like when you visit the Oracle. What she says is for your ears only. Similarly, he who barks, barks only for you.

But to prove that the one true dog appeared at my cousin's house, I present the photographic proof you see here. Luckily, when Carmine told his wife Barbara he had a hunch that dog was coming to their home, she said, "Jeebus! I'd better get a photo of this for Keith's blog!" Always thinking of me, that Barbara.

She grabbed her coat and camera and ran a few blocks away, figuring the shot needed perspective. And would you look at that photo! It's irrefutable proof that dog visited their house.

I tell you, something is in the air. Dog's visit -- and all those meteors and comets and popes! This may be the Time of Dogly Wisdom. In fact, I'll bet dog is going to appear to a number of my readers. I just feel it; no, that's not right. It's not merely a feeling -- it's a matter of faith. I have faith that dog will appear to us.

So, all of you -- keep an eye out. And sniff the air now and then to see if you can detect his dogly presence. (He smells like cookies.) And please report any and all visitations to this blog! I'm counting on you to be intrepid reporters in this Time of Dogly Wisdom.

Guess who invented the internet?

The other day, I forgot to give thanks for the internet. And don't give me credit for remembering it now. This oversight was revealed to me by god, herself.

Yes, Edna Christ -- Jesus' wife -- appeared to me last night. Oh, and you should have seen her! She let me snap her photo for the blog -- (you can see the photo on my main blog)  -- but she looks much more impressive in person. And she smells of cookies -- macaroons, I think. But I digress.

In her omniscient, slightly nagging way, Edna reminded me to be thankful for the internet. She said it is a sacrament. And then she told me the true story of how the internet came to be. Edna invented it! She came up with the idea during one of the long walks she always takes, to get away from Jesus. But let her tell you in her own words. I asked Siri to record everything she said during her visitation. Here is the relevant portion of what she said unto me:

"Keith, you sweet, sweet person, I want to tell you a story...(blah, blah, blah)...and so I came up with the idea for the internet. I whispered the details into Al Gore's ear -- and he took it from there. For years, he was intensely involved with setting up the nodes and protocols. That's why he was so skinny, back then. But you know, the moment he plugged in the final circuit that turned the internet on, he went back to the donuts. Oy. He's such a donut lover, that Al!"

Is that incredible or what? Oh, Edna, now that you've come back to us we are once again hopeful and filled with joy. All hail Edna! (And yes, she told me much, much more. But you can fit only so much Divine Revelation in one post. Stay tuned.)

Hmmmmm (twirls mustache) ...

Have you noticed that when you google for images, no matter what you type into the search box, the results always include a photo of Michelle Obama?

Dog is trying to tell us something. But what?

So funny

Ed Brayton's right. This one's comedy gold. It's a for-real Christian saying things that he believes -- not a comedy routine or a prank. Honestly, it's astounding that religious people can get out of bed in the morning. You'd think it would be too complicated for them.

Dog!

You know when you hear a noise in the next room, and you can't account for it? Like I just heard a major crackling noise coming from the kitchen or hall area. It went on for a bit and freaked me out. So I went there and stood, still and vigilant. But I heard nothing and there didn't seem to be a logical source for the crackles. It was as if they came out of nowhere.

I think it was dog. I think dog was trying to contact me. He must have a message for the world, something he wants me to reveal on my blog. I think it's something important.

But I don't know what to do. The problem is that I don't know how to contact dog, but I'll try. Okay, I'm taking deep breaths now and I'm calling dog. I'm telling him to use me to deliver his message to the world.

Okay, I think I feel something. I'm going to let dog take control of my fingers now so he can type his message for the world, using me as his sacred receptacle. The next words you read will be dog's.

Relax. Enjoy yourselves. But also accomplish something now and then. And don't eat too much. You heard me.

Gasp! I just saw those words. I swear to you that I didn't type them! I'll take a lie detector test, if you want. But right now I'm overwhelmed and I have to go lie down. Dog!