Of all the brain-dead holidays that Americans celebrate, New Year's Day is the stupidest. I still haven't figured out what people think they're "celebrating" -- the turn of a page on a calendar? Whoopee. Yeah, that's fun. Meaningful, too.
On New Year's Eve, people get too drunk, too high, eat too much, have unsafe sex and then crash into innocent people on the way home. Nice holiday. I respect it a lot and can see why people treasure it. Ignorant gits.
It wasn't an easy decision, giving this award to New Year's Day. It had to edge out some serious competition, most notably from July 4th. But New Year's Day definitely gets the Special Gold Dunce Cap.
A holiday that "celebrates" nothing is an amazing thing to observe. I especially love how the stupidest people gather in little prison-cells on 42nd Street to watch a light go up a pole. Now that's entertainment!
So as you celebrate this day of all days, I don't know what the hell you're doing. Wake up! As for me, I have a warm and wonderful feeling in my heart today because I know I'm going to completely destroy this holiday in a future book. I guarantee you that New Year's Day is already shaking in its boots. It feels me sneaking up behind it, and it has every reason to worry.
I will eviscerate you, New Year's Day -- that's a promise.
