New moderation rule for the blog

In light of the Ebola epidemic, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take the temperature of all commenters before allowing them to post anything. I'm sorry but I must protect my own health and that of visitors to this blog.

So beginning immediately, another layer of moderation has been added. Here's how it will play out. Once you've successfully identified the usual Captcha characters, a thermometer will thrust itself from your computer screen. Simply place your mouth around the thermometer and slip it snugly under your tongue. Be patient! The computer will provide an alert to let you know when you're done.

If you hear a pleasant chime, this means you do not have a temperature and thus do not have Ebola. Click "Lucky" and your comment will be posted.

If, on the other hand, you hear the clang of a mournful church bell, get thee to a nunnery or a hospital, your choice. (Pssst: the hospital will probably work out better, you know, in the long run.)

That is all. You may now return to your normal lives.

Thinking may not be their strong suit

News to make you shake your head:

An Austrian primary school has dropped yoga classes for children after a mother argued that yoga goes against Christian teachings.

Yoga teacher Ingrid Karner says she was told to stop classes at the school in the southeastern village of Dechantskirchen after a complaint "that it's not allowed, according to the Bible."

School principal Maria Hofer told the Die Kleine Zeitung newspaper that no parents complained when courses started this year. But she says they were stopped after the unidentified mother said even the word "yoga ... had negative effects."

School inspector Helga Thomann says schools should not offer anything linked to "esoteric" practices.

You know what else the bible doesn't allow? Logic.

Church does good-witch voodoo to counter the evil spirits

I mean, really. No one on this planet is truly a Satanist. It's like the "followers" of the noodly-appendaged Spaghetti Monster. There really aren't any. It's a joke, in other words. But not to god-fearin' church folk. To them, it's an ISIS-level threat (or maybe probably definitely even worse). Horrors! The Satanists are coming!!!

Oklahoma City's Roman Catholic archdiocese said on Thursday that its archbishop and a priest performed "prayers of exorcism" to help rid the Oklahoma City Civic Center Music Hall of dangerous spirits after a satanic "black mass" was held there.

And this:

"From the beginning, we have taken seriously the dark and dangerous spirits being invited into our community," Archbishop Paul Coakley said Thursday in a written statement. "To address those concerns, we visited the venue the next morning to pray prayers of exorcism over the place and to pray the prayers for cleansing."

Oh, the voodoo that you do. I mean, seriously. This tells us that the exorcist group actually believes the Black Mass nonsense. It's like falling for a Colbert routine and thinking he's serious. Puh-leeze. There ain't no Satan and there ain't no god.

Archdiocese spokeswoman Diane Clay said the ancient exorcism ritual was performed the following day at the public's request. She said the archdiocese received dozens of emails and calls from people concerned about entering the building or attending events there.

Well, you gotta massage the rubes, so I totally understand. Time to call in the priests! You know, it's truly silly to refer to believers as "god fearing" folks. They fear everything. 

It must be terrifying to be a Christian. Dumb, too. Really, really dumb.

Bruni on the Catholic church's homophobia

I always say the same thing about Bruni's columns: that he nailed it. But he always does. Today he once again tackled the Catholic church's hypocritical attitude about same-sex marriage. Here's a link to the column and here's an excerpt:

It’s crucial to remember that in many cases in which the church has punished same-sex couples, their homosexuality and even their same-sex partnerships were widely known and tacitly condoned for some time beforehand. What changed was their interest in a civil marriage, suddenly made possible by laws that are evolving more humanely than the church is. The couples in question stepped up and made loving commitments of a kind that the church celebrates in other circumstances. For this they were spurned. It’s shameful.

Go read it all. It makes so much sense that I expect the church to drop to its knees this afternoon and beg forgiveness for their hateful actions. There is no rational excuse for the church's pogrom against gays. It's simply evil.

Offensive names

Okay, so we're going to force the Redskins to ditch their name because it's offensive to Native Americans. I totally agree that this is the way to go.

But I'm also disgusted by Atlanta Braves fans who do their insipid "chop" movement while intoning a Hollywood version of an "Indian chant". I mean, really. I get ill when I watch a Braves game. These people need to drop their offensive routine and learn how to clap like everyone else.

And here's one no one ever mentions. What about "Tomahawk missiles"? Isn't that just a tad creepy? What does this name imply about the original Native Americans? That they were bloodthirsty savages? Ya think? I say we toss this misuse of Native American terminology. Tomahawk indeed. It's nauseating and these missiles kill a ton of innocent people. It's a double-whammy.

Seriously, the military geniuses seem to have the mental attitudes of 12-year-old boys. Who else thinks Tomahawk is a cool name for a missile? White boys who never grew up, that's who.

This reminds me. I've been thinking about something lately. Yes, this is an era of confusion, wars, death, hate-filled religiosity and general stupidity in the US. But I also think the "teens" (the decade from 2010 through 2020) will be remembered as a decade of equality. With each passing day we come closer to the moment when it will no longer be okay for white police officers to beat and kill males of color. We're focusing a  laser on the un-American militarization of police forces across America. We're giving gays the right to marry and beginning to pass laws to protect transgender people. And income inequality is firmly on the agenda. (Sadly, women's issues are going the other way.)

The decade of equality. That sounds nice. But of course the current decade is also one of bombs, governmental lies, attacks on whistleblowers, hiding the crimes of torturers and stealing money from poor people to pad the wallets of sinfully rich monsters. The decade has two faces, which is pretty weird.

But then, we've always been a weird country.

I'm writing again. Hooray!

I thought returning to writing fiction would be difficult, that I'd have to resort to beating myself with Opus Dei whips or something. Didn't turn out that way.

It was quite simple to get back in the swing of things. I just sat down and picked up where I left off. It felt like I'd never stopped. This book is called "The Worlds". It's a sci-fi novel that breaks all the rules. I love to break rules. It helps me to enjoy the process of writing because I can exclaim "Take that, literary scolds!" as I lay down a new scene. Seriously, breaking rules is my favorite pastime.

So the next book is (once again) on the way, kids. Stay tuned. In the meantime, read the first one I wrote. It's October, or as I like to say, "Octogre". This means Halloween is on the way and I'll be plugging the book all month. It's the perfect time of year to start reading Xmas Carol. Go get it -- and tell me what you think of the book. I love to get feedback. It's how we writers get better at our craft, you know. Without an echo from readers, we're writing in the dark.

And to anyone out there who is procrastinating about a task that's hanging over their head like the proverbial Sword of Damocles, I suggest my golden rule: "Do something every day to continue your task." It doesn't matter how small the effort is. Due to the miracle of mathematics, it all adds up and one day you'll realize you're done. It ain't hard. Just takes a little work.

PS: NPR insists the way I just used the phrase "Sword of Damocles" is incorrect. Stuffy critics! This is the way it's used currently in the US -- and that is what makes this use appropriate. I love to irritate arcane scolds. It's good, old-fashioned fun. Read my books and see. How dare they establish rules for writers? Writing is anarchy: you can do it any way you like.

Bruni on the Secret Service

In a column called "Serving Without Protecting", Frank Bruni manages to be quite serious while sneaking in some delicious lines. I urge you to read the whole thing. Here's an excerpt to whet your appetite.

At the hearing, there were acute questions and ludicrous ones, genuine concern and disingenuous grandstanding, florid preening and runaway egos, which is to say that many politicians were crowded into one room.

There was verbiage so oblique it barely qualified as English, which is to say that government officials testified.

And the result was a wondrous column, which is to say that Frank Bruni once again channeled his brilliance through a keyboard.