Every American man has a beard

It's true. Everywhere in the USA, if you see a man, you see a beard. It's an epidemic.

All my favorite baseball players have beards now. The mailman? Beard. The plumber? Beard. When I went to see my doctor last week, even he had a beard! It's shocking, shocking, I tell you.

This morning, fearing the worst, I looked in the mirror and saw that even I have a beard! (I believe that mirrors are a tool to be used sparingly, to learn if you have a dead bird on your head. Since I rarely go out, I hadn't looked into a mirror in some time.) Again: shocking!

What is going on? You don't think...this could be evidence of the coming Rapture, do you? Oh, I hope so. I want so much to get rid of the godders. If Jeebus scoops them up, it'll be heaven down here! Can you imagine all the fun we're going to have? Squeee!

The beards are a harbinger of better times. Long live the beard!

Set your stopwatch right now!

Did you forget? Silly goose. This Friday is the Apocalypse. We know this because Robert Fitzpatrick says so. And he's always right, well, except for the last Apocalypse he predicted.

One delicious thing I did not know until reading the linked article is that he's from Staten Island. That is so perfect.

Don't forget to give all your possessions away to ensure that you're among the saved. You'll surely be Raptured if you do this. Saved! Woot!

And don't worry if you're not saved. Mr. Always Right says: "There should be no suffering whatsoever for the unsaved. They will simply vanish into nothingness." Well, hooray for that too!

In the news today

Intro lines from real AP stories today:

Pope Benedict XVI had a direct line to the heavens Saturday, with NASA's help. Speaking from the Vatican, the pontiff bestowed a historic blessing upon the 12 astronauts circling Earth during the first-ever papal call to space.

People who were sexually abused by priests have gathered in Rome to denounce the Vatican's latest effort to show it is cracking down on clerical abuse.

Some shut themselves inside to pray for mercy as they waited for the world's end. Others met for tearful last lunches with their children, and prepared to leave behind homes and pets as they were swept up to heaven.

 Sigh.

Don't forget: world ends today, 6 PM sharp.

From one of the dolts who believes he will be raptured today:

"We know the end will begin in New Zealand and will follow the sun and roll on from there," said Garcia, a 39-year-old father of six. "That's why God raised up all the technology and the satellites so everyone can see it happen at the same time."

I cannot imagine what it will be like for these gullible fools when the world doesn't end at 6 PM today. And to think they're following the predictions of a guy who's already been colossally wrong about this sort of thing once before! He ruined countless lives back then and is repeating his act today. Talk about an evil man.

Meanwhile, back in the real world:

A landslide buried 20 children and four adults at a Malaysian orphanage Saturday where scores of rescuers were digging by their hands in soil softened by the rains to find the missing, police said.

If today really was the rapture, I wouldn't mind if it meant I could stand before god and slap him across his face as hard as I could and claw his eyes out for creating a world with so much pain for so many innocent creatures. It might be worth the end of the world if I could do that.

But the world won't end today so I guess I'll just watch baseball tonight (you know, when the earthquakes are supposed to start rolling in). Go Mets!

Portrait of fools

It's hard to believe that some folks think the world will end this Saturday. Imagine being the normal kids of weird parents who have fallen for this inane proposition.

Read this story at the Times. You'll shake your head. What will this family's life be like after the "rapture"? I shudder to think.