Saturday, May 7, 2011

Assange has contacted me regarding Doctor Vito!

I just received an email from Julian Assange. I can hardly type these words, I'm shaking so badly. Here is the exact message I received, in its entirety:
Dear WriteNow,

I am afraid I have depressing news for you and your legion of readers. My operatives have yet to confirm some of the more sordid details, but I can tell you one thing right now.

Those were not women who went to Doctor Vito's room the night he disappeared. Far from it. They were the special Vatican eunuchs -- the elite Assassin Castrati. These agents of evil plied their (seemingly) womenly wares and in this way lured the normally vigilant but oversexed Doctor Vito into their trap. The demons rendered him unconscious and spirited him away, taking him deep below the Earth, into the darkest, most ancient tunnels beneath the Vatican -- 22 stories down. What happened to him after that, none can say, other than the popey guy. The Assassin Castrati are his personal army; they do nothing without his orders.

My operatives are still confirming other, quite intriguing aspects of the crime. I will not hint at their nature until I can present you with the big picture. Nonetheless, at this time we can state with certainty that what was done to your philosopher king was both horrendous -- and an international crime. Rest assured, Wikileaks will get to the bottom of this.

I hear my operatives calling me. I must go. For now, keep clapping, people! Whatever you do, don't stop.

Julian Assange
That's it. I know no more. But, OMG! The elite Assassin Castrati have Doctor Vito! And what hurts the most is that he's such a virile man.

Rest assured, the moment I receive a fuller report from Wikileaks -- you will have it. I know my readers feel the loss of this great man as keenly as I do. And now, I must try to get some rest. I haven't slept since Doctor Vito was taken -- truly. But I think Wikileaks can proceed now without my help. So I'm going to stagger over to the cot I set up here in the Situation Room, and try to catch a few winks. Ciao. And you heard Julian: keep clapping!

(Pssst, if you don't know anything about this and wonder what the hell we're talking about, click the Doctor Vito tag below. You'll find all the posts about him there. And then start clapping; fer gawd's sake, start clapping!)