This morning I had an hourlong video-chat with Julian Assange. The news is grim. Doctor Vito is indeed imprisoned -- and you won't believe the route his imprisonment has taken. Read on if you think you can stomach the news.
As regular readers know, Wikileaks previously revealed that Doctor Vito was taken captive while in Libya. The poor dear thought he was letting three hot babes from Al Jazeera into his hotel room for a good time -- but these were not women! They were members of the Assassini Castrati, the Vatican's most vicious transvestite warriors, who take their disgusting orders directly from the popey guy. Even the bravest of men fear the Assassini Castrati, and rightly so. They are evil personified.
Today, Assange reported that Doctor Vito -- that poor innocent -- was brought to the Vatican dungeons far below the popey palace. In the deepest, coldest dungeon they had their way with Doctor Vito. One of Assange's operatives, the extremely stylish Nilda Hu, was in the room at the time, disguised as a christian. Although she could do nothing to help Dr. Vito without blowing her cover, she bore witness to what transpired.
According to Ms. Hu, Dr. Vito was viciously whipped by the popey guy himself. She said that as the popey guy plied the lash he became visibly excited and began to breathe in short bursts. His face was flushed and he was sweating profusely. The old man lashed Doctor Vito's bare buttocks viciously, again and again, screaming all the while about sin and bloggers and sainthood. Ms. Lu said that although the doctor's bare back was exposed to the lash, it remained virgin. Never once did the lash touch it. The popey guy focused his attentions entirely on Doctor Vito's tender, innocent, nether regions.
In the end, the popey guy was so pooped that they had to take the lash from his hand and lead him to the nearest throne. There, he was given bourbon by an attractive young prelate and seemed to revive. And that is when the Doctor Vito saga took a sickening detour.
Ms. Hu heard every word as the popey guy, after a second snifter of bourbon, put in a call to his "Highest Wingnut Christian Contacts" at the Pentagon. It didn't take much urging on the popey guy's part to convince them to take possession of Doctor Vito through secret rendition. The popey guy only asked that they "do their worst" to the man. Oh, the humanity!
It gets even stranger. Doctor Vito is being held at Leavenworth Prison -- and his cell is right next to the cell of that great American hero, Private Bradley Manning! Perhaps these two beleaguered souls can offer each other comfort. They're going to need it. Why, they're probably being waterboarded as I write this sentence (and again as you read it).
Tragedy and injustice aside, need I point out the interesting possibilities here? If Doctor Vito can somehow get a message out to the world, he may be able to tell us not only about his own conditions, but what they're doing to the only slightly-less-precious Manning. Be still my heart.
What gets me is the sheer breadth of the story. Remember how innocently this began for all of us? We were normal, happy bloggers and blog readers who just hoped Doctor Vito would share his intellectual musings here by writing an occasional column. It was all so simple then. But by leaps and bounds, the story has taken on a life of its own and we now find ourselves involved in a globe-spanning, Vatican-induced, christian-American, wingnut-army torture situation! Jeepers, I'm gettin' goosebumps.
I have a feeling this blog and its readers are about to play a vital role in global affairs. I suspected as much when I started this blog -- but to see it happening before my eyes is truly bracing. Stay tuned.
New readers -- for the backstory, click on the Doctor Vito tag below. And yes, this is satire. You may have heard of satire . . .
As regular readers know, Wikileaks previously revealed that Doctor Vito was taken captive while in Libya. The poor dear thought he was letting three hot babes from Al Jazeera into his hotel room for a good time -- but these were not women! They were members of the Assassini Castrati, the Vatican's most vicious transvestite warriors, who take their disgusting orders directly from the popey guy. Even the bravest of men fear the Assassini Castrati, and rightly so. They are evil personified.
Today, Assange reported that Doctor Vito -- that poor innocent -- was brought to the Vatican dungeons far below the popey palace. In the deepest, coldest dungeon they had their way with Doctor Vito. One of Assange's operatives, the extremely stylish Nilda Hu, was in the room at the time, disguised as a christian. Although she could do nothing to help Dr. Vito without blowing her cover, she bore witness to what transpired.
According to Ms. Hu, Dr. Vito was viciously whipped by the popey guy himself. She said that as the popey guy plied the lash he became visibly excited and began to breathe in short bursts. His face was flushed and he was sweating profusely. The old man lashed Doctor Vito's bare buttocks viciously, again and again, screaming all the while about sin and bloggers and sainthood. Ms. Lu said that although the doctor's bare back was exposed to the lash, it remained virgin. Never once did the lash touch it. The popey guy focused his attentions entirely on Doctor Vito's tender, innocent, nether regions.
In the end, the popey guy was so pooped that they had to take the lash from his hand and lead him to the nearest throne. There, he was given bourbon by an attractive young prelate and seemed to revive. And that is when the Doctor Vito saga took a sickening detour.
Ms. Hu heard every word as the popey guy, after a second snifter of bourbon, put in a call to his "Highest Wingnut Christian Contacts" at the Pentagon. It didn't take much urging on the popey guy's part to convince them to take possession of Doctor Vito through secret rendition. The popey guy only asked that they "do their worst" to the man. Oh, the humanity!
It gets even stranger. Doctor Vito is being held at Leavenworth Prison -- and his cell is right next to the cell of that great American hero, Private Bradley Manning! Perhaps these two beleaguered souls can offer each other comfort. They're going to need it. Why, they're probably being waterboarded as I write this sentence (and again as you read it).
Tragedy and injustice aside, need I point out the interesting possibilities here? If Doctor Vito can somehow get a message out to the world, he may be able to tell us not only about his own conditions, but what they're doing to the only slightly-less-precious Manning. Be still my heart.
What gets me is the sheer breadth of the story. Remember how innocently this began for all of us? We were normal, happy bloggers and blog readers who just hoped Doctor Vito would share his intellectual musings here by writing an occasional column. It was all so simple then. But by leaps and bounds, the story has taken on a life of its own and we now find ourselves involved in a globe-spanning, Vatican-induced, christian-American, wingnut-army torture situation! Jeepers, I'm gettin' goosebumps.
I have a feeling this blog and its readers are about to play a vital role in global affairs. I suspected as much when I started this blog -- but to see it happening before my eyes is truly bracing. Stay tuned.
New readers -- for the backstory, click on the Doctor Vito tag below. And yes, this is satire. You may have heard of satire . . .
