I'm sick of the new pope

I've had it with this new pope. He's worse than Ratzinger. Oh no, wait! They haven't hired the new guy yet. Never mind.

So far, we've seen only black smoke coming from the Vatican chimney -- three times. There's a lot of silly news about how they created this intensely black smoke but they're just guessing. Only I have the inside scoop.

It seems an argument broke out between a flinty-eyed reformer-cardinal and an iron-willed curia-cardinal. The moment they landed the first punches, flames filled the chapel. The result was a conflagration that nearly burned the Sistine Chapel to the ground. In the end, as both cardinals lay on the floor exhausted, an acrid, black smoke rose from their bodies and exited through the chimneys overhead.

And so it goes in the holy conclave. I thought I'd be able to tell you everything that went on in there. You see, I have a spy who is part of the proceedings. But so far, he's only sent four cryptic words. I'd like to share them with my readers:

"Cardinals farting like trumpets."

That's all I've heard. And you know, I really don't care. Truly, I'm already sick of the new pope. Aren't you? After all, there is no god, so it really doesn't matter. In any case, rest assured. The new pope will be as bad as the last one.

Oh, joy!

The last cardinal who will participate in the conclave to elect the next pope arrived in Rome on Thursday, meaning a date can now be set for the election.

The fun is about to begin! I tell you, I'm all fired up. A new popey guy! What fun it'll be to play with him, no matter who he turns out to be. Speaking of the election, who do you think they'll choose? Here are my thoughts.

First off, I doubt they'll pick me as the new pope. For a while, I thought there was an outside chance. But no. I've accepted this. Moving on to other possible candidates, I think the cardinals' childish understanding of sexuality, coupled with the church's monstrous history of preying upon children, will drive them to choose the worst possible candidate.

Yup, I'm talkin' Turkson. A gay-hating, totally straight African pope who's ready to trounce on nuns and other feminine and feminine-like atrocities such as gay people -- would appeal to these cardinals, all of whom were appointed by Ratzinger based on their thick-headedness. 

Or they could go the Disney route and pick Timmy Dolan. I know people are poo-pooing this notion but I think Timmy's got a good chance. After all, he honcho'd the church's pogrom against gays in the US. And he seems to be trying, of late, to become the Mr. Rogers of cardinals. I mean, have you heard the stuff he's said lately? He sounds like Tinkerbell on PCP.

Anyway, those are my two faves for the job of Popey Guy of Planet Earth. What do you think? Got any hot candidates? I'm not familiar with all the cardinals (and neither are they), so there could be another gem in the bunch. But however it goes, we are in for some newfangled fun! Hooray for the (next) popey guy!

No big splash by the nuns today

This was all I could find today on the nuns/Vatican kerfuffle:

ST. LOUIS (AP) — American nuns rebuked by the Vatican for tolerating dissent say they're willing to hold talks with church leaders but won't compromise their mission.

I think that's excellent. I want more but I understand. Saying anything even mildly argumentative at this point would bring on a massive fight. The damned Vatican is itching to excommunicate the lot of them.

The bottom line is that the nuns won't compromise and neither with the popey guy. Good. It's time for the nuns to say "So long, Catholic church." It's too early to say for sure, but I think they're movin' on out. Go, sisters!

UPDATE: What was a short, 3-paragraph article has morphed into something more substantive. (AP does that: fleshes stories out during the day and republishes the same link, but with more meat.) In any case, the article is great now. Here's how it ends:

Still, Farrell [president of the Leadership Conference of Women Religious] gave no sign that her group would back down. In a speech Friday morning, she said the sisters have been asking themselves whether the Vatican assessment was an "expression of concern or an attempt to control?" Farrell ended the address with a phrase she learned while serving the church in Chile when the country was under a military dictatorship.

"They can crush a few flowers, but they can't hold back the springtime," she said, before receiving a standing ovation.

I love these nuns. They are totally cool.

Popey guy can't say "celibacy"

The popey guy is spreading cheer in Ireland this weekend.

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI has told Irish Catholics it's a mystery why clergy abused children entrusted in their care and undermined believers' faith in an appalling way. 

Benedict said Irish joy over their long history of faith was "shaken in an appalling way" by revelations of clergy abuse. He said the abuse damaged the credibility of the church's message. He added it "remains" a mystery why priests abused this trust. 

I can't imagine why it happened, can you? You don't think it could have anything to do with the vow of celibacy, do you?! No, I thought not.

I'll bet the popey guy has a regular nightmare about celibacy. In the dream, he lets priests marry -- and 90% marry men.

The cognitive dissonance of the Vatican

So the popey guy is trying to rein in the troops after the "sanctity" of his trust in his personal assistant took a shot to the chin. I swear, this pope has no clue how his words sound to the world.

Benedict gave a pep talk of sorts to a group of prelates preparing to serve the Holy See abroad in diplomatic posts, telling them that their work "should make you grow in closeness to the pope, a closeness marked by interior trust." 

Hmmm, "interior trust". Would that be what those Catholic kids had just before they were raped by priests? It's amazing how differently the Vatican treats violations of trust, according to who was violated. The popey guy tells us he feels terribly hurt by the violation of trust that occurred when his papers were stolen. How does he think those kids feel? Seriously, do you think the Vatican held even one meeting to discuss the terrible violation these kids suffered, and how they might help them heal? I guarantee this never happened. If it had, we'd see changes -- and we don't.

But the popey guy is taking the violation of his sanctity very seriously:

A three-cardinal commission is investigating the leaks alongside Vatican police. 

One wonders if a similar panel was set up to look into what happened to the children raped by priests. I suspect not. That was only about the violation of the kids' trust. This time it's about the popey guy being violated. Big difference, to them. Another excerpt:

The leaks scandal has convulsed the Vatican for months, exposing episodes of political infighting, intrigue and accusations of corruption and homosexual liaisons going on under the watch of the 85-year-old Benedict.

Jeez. Just think: gay sex in the palace of the popey guy who attacks gays all over the world. I say it all the time: that's some church they've got there. Jeez.

Timmy Dolan is rip-roaring mad

You already know about Cardinal Dolan paying off the rapist priests, and the brouhaha this caused when it was reported in the NY Times. Yesterday the NY Post printed Dolan's rebuttal, such as it is. Timmy waved his hands in the air and tried to confuse the issue by focusing not on what the church should or shouldn't have done, but on whether the payments (some as high as $20,000) were "charity" or "payoffs".

In discussing Dolan's response, Ed Brayton says it plain and clear:

The real question here is not whether those payments were payoffs or charity; the real question is why the church chose this route rather than turning any information they had over to the police. We know why they didn’t — because the current pope, when he was a cardinal, explicitly ordered them not to do so. And that’s the real problem.

It all comes back to the popey guy. No wonder they don't want to talk about it. If they spoke honestly about the scandal, it would bring the popey guy down in flames. That's quite a church they've got there, where the main culprit is their supreme leader. It speaks volumes about the Roman Catholic church.

It's all about the gays

An excerpt from the popey guy's tour promoting "families" appears in a story headlined, Pope looks forward to families meeting in Philly:

Chaput, who heads the five-county archdiocese that has about 1.5 million Catholics, also said the visit would highlight the importance of the family, which he said "is founded on a deep and loving union between one man and one woman for mutual support and the nurturing of children" and is "the basic evangelizing unit of the Church." 

It ain't got nuthin' to do with families. The families who flock to these events are pawns in the pope's campaign to destroy the lives of gay men, lesbians and transgendered people everywhere in the world.

There is no rational reason for the church to oppose gays. None at all. Whenever you see a priest, ask him why the church attacks gays. Everyone should do this, all day long, every day. They can offer no answer, only mumbles and senseless words. This is a campaign of hatred. Call it what it is, and do so to their faces. They should not be allowed to get away with this.

Note that the NY Times story about the pope's "family tour" ends with this:

The announcement of the papal visit comes as jurors are deliberating in the landmark trial of a former Roman Catholic church official charged with conspiring to hide priest-abuse complaints and endangering children by keeping predators in ministry. 

Monsignor William Lynn, the former secretary for clergy, is the first U.S. church official charged for his handling of child sex-abuse complaints. He said he tried to get the Philadelphia archdiocese to address the problem, only to be rebuffed by his archbishop, the late Cardinal Anthony Bevilacqua. Prosecutors maintain that Lynn could have quit or called police.

They can't hide what they are anymore. Those days are a distant memory.

Okay, it's ripe now

I wanted to wait until the latest scandal at the Vatican ripened before I dug in. Okay, it's ripe. The following are the unbelievably tone-deaf words of the Vatican's undersecretary of state, Archbishop Angelo Becciu. 

"I consider the publication of stolen letters to be an unprecedentedly grave immoral act," Becciu told the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano. "It's not just that the pope's papers were stolen, but that people who turned to him as the vicar of Christ have had their consciences violated." 

Can you believe this? He considers the leaking of Vatican letters to be "an unprecedentedly grave immoral act." Wow.

They pay little or no attention to the horrid things priests have done to innocent children all over the world, but they think this "scandal" is heaven-shaking. Here's more from AP:

The Vatican on Tuesday sought to put the widening scandal over leaked documents into a very different light, saying the stolen papers didn't just concern matters of internal church governance but represented the thoughts of people who in writing to the pope believed they were essentially speaking before God. 

Oh, well, now you're talking about truly important stuff: confidences divulged before the sky god. To the church, that's what's important, not raped kids. Never forget this.

The Roman Catholic church constantly reveals that it has no understanding of any moral issue. Absolutely none. Craven -- that's what they are, every one of them.

Popey guy says absolutely nothing

Here's what the popey guy said to his capos (bishops) recently about gay marriage:

"Particular mention must be made of the powerful political and cultural currents seeking to alter the legal definition of marriage... Sexual differences cannot be dismissed as irrelevant to the definition of marriage. Defending the institution of marriage as a social reality is ultimately a question of justice, since it entails safeguarding the good of the entire human community and the rights of parents and children alike."

That doesn't even mean anything. It's just a bunch of words. It's ultimately a "question of justice"? Well, yes it is: justice for gay people who want to marry and should be able to. But what is the popey guy talking about? "[S]afeguarding the good of the entire human community and the rights of parents and children alike"? How? 

The church has been viciously attacking gay people for many, many years yet they have never been able to state one rational reason for their actions. Why do they attack gays? It's a question sorely in need of an answer.

But of course, the answer is a reason "that cannot speak its name". They do this because they're a bunch of closet cases. Because they're gay, and they've stupidly chosen to live within a church that condemns them for what they are, they lash out ever more furiously at...themselves. That's what closet cases do. They're the original one-trick ponies.

If I'm wrong about the church's motives, then pray tell, what is the real reason for this virulence? The popey guy's words are empty. They tell us nothing. It's an amazing travesty and I can't believe that anyone who's Catholic -- and awake -- will remain with this church much longer. And that, in case you're not keeping track, is a good thing.  

Bizarre religious hypocrisy

Pope Benedict XVI's ability to reform the troubled Legion of Christ has again been thrown into doubt following revelations that a half-dozen priests are under Vatican investigation for allegedly molesting children and that the order's leadership knew its most prominent priest had fathered a child yet did nothing to prevent him from teaching and preaching about morality.

But they let the popey guy talk about morality all the time -- and he's the man most responsible for hiding the priest pedophilia scandal. Isn't this a huge contradiction, kids?

Give up god now and get on the right team!

Popey guy sways to musical strain

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI has expressed his gratitude after a concert of sacred music by Vivaldi and Verdi conducted by maestro Riccardo Muti at the Vatican.

...Muti kissed the pope's hand before Benedict handed him a red box with a pontifical medal.

...Napolitano gave the pope an 18th-century violin.

It must be wonderful to be the Queen.

Funny remark by the popey guy

Pope Benedict XVI warned that without an explicit reference to God, aid work risked "falling prey to harmful ideologies."

I think that's so funny. It's literally impossible to do good without god. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way. He should read this recent study:

Highly religious people are less motivated by compassion than atheists, agnostics and less religious people, according to a new study.

Okay, so he was talking about Catholic aid agencies. But the comparison still applies. The only reason he said this to his aid agencies, by the way, was to ensure that they say vicious things about gays and abortion. According to the popey guy, you must include these hate activities in order to be a Vatican-approved Christian aid agency. (This is also why he's so mad at the nuns: no hate.)

What does this say about his religion and his vicious god? Whew. This popey guy has ruined Christianity in a few short years, not that there was much good about it before his reign. Still, I don't remember Roman Catholicism being anywhere near this hateful before the popey guy popped up. 

Good gay/church story

It's at HuffPo, I'm afraid, but it's a good story. If you like the gay guys to win (in a moral sense) and the bishops to lose (in every sense), you'll enjoy reading this.

Catholic bishops attack gay people at every opportunity and their actions are taking a toll on the church. Can we all admit that they looked like evil morons when they attacked American nuns last week? And let's not forget their recent foray into politics, where they trotted out a meaningless campaign about contraception and government, just to please the GOP.

They're not doing these things in the dark. Catholics see these actions and they are not pleased. Truly, the pope and the bishops are the greatest threats facing Roman Catholicism today. By their actions, the bishops show the church's true, evil face to the people. This does not go unnoticed.

Supporting the nuns

Nick Kristof, the NY Times op-ed guy I chastised recently, has a great column up today about the popey guy and the nuns. Here's an outtake or two:

If you look at who has more closely emulated Jesus’s life, Pope Benedict or your average nun, it’s the nun hands down...

“How dare they go after 57,000 dedicated women whose median age is well over 70 and who work tirelessly for a more just world?” [Mary E.] Hunt [a Catholic theologian] wrote. “How dare the very men who preside over a church in utter disgrace due to sexual misconduct and cover-ups by bishops try to distract from their own problems by creating new ones for women religious?”

This is one of the worst things the popey guy has done and it's going to blow up in his face, big-time. Even I like the nuns. Sure, they're dopey for jeebus but they're good people who try to help those in need. You can't knock that. The popey guy is doomed.

Popey guy hates him some snarky nuns

You know what nuns need, don't you? A man to straighten them out, of course. The popey guy comes to the rescue.

AP: The Vatican's orthodoxy watchdog announced Wednesday a full-scale overhaul of a group representing most U.S. nuns and named an American archbishop to oversee the reform. 

(snip)

Seattle Archbishop Peter Sartain will manage the five-year reform, which will include rewriting the group's statutes, reviewing all its plans and programs — including approving speakers — and ensuring the group properly follows Catholic prayer and ritual. 

Are you laughing yet? Talk about a tone-deaf Vatican! These guys are going to bring down the church within a decade, I swear. Everyone over here in the US knows the nuns are the only sane ones in the entire Roman Catholic menagerie. And that's why the popey guy has to stomp them out. He wants him a man in there. Because you can only count on guys. Women are just nonsensical creatures, fluff -- stuff you can just toss aside. Who needs women when you've got men, right?

Our rightwing world strikes again. There's a war on women from everywhere now, including the goddamn Vatican. (Mind you, the Vatican has always been at war with women but it seems they're coming out of their closet now, with guns loaded. Damn those nuns!)

Irony alert

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI, carrying a tall, lit candle, ushered in Christianity's most joyous celebration with an Easter vigil service Saturday night, but voiced fears that mankind is groping in darkness, unable to distinguish good from evil.

We can't tell good from evil, huh? This from the man who invented the policy whereby the Roman Catholic church protected and enabled pedophile priests while casting aside child victims. And we can't "distinguish good from evil".

On the contrary, we recognize evil quite well. It's what you see in your mirror, popey guy. We're lookin' at you.

No one wants to go to the popey guy's forum

The Vatican tried to pull off a science scam but nobody bit. AP tells the tale in Vatican Cancels Stem Cell Forum.

The Pontifical Academy for Life had organized the "Responsible Stem Cells Research Congress" for April 25-28 at the Vatican. But its website said that because so few participants had signed up, the event was canceled. 

Awww. The poor popey guy. He must feel so bad. All those invitations and no RSVPs returned. I wonder why? Could it be that actual scientists have no interest in meeting with a bunch of stuffy, old priests who want to tell them they are evil? Nah, that can't be it.

Unable to simply say: "Nobody wanted to come," the Vatican web site tossed out this bunch of words:

"Unfortunately, the scarce number of sponsors and registrations would have adversely affected the positive outcome of the meetings, and therefore this prompted the organizers to take the necessary steps to cancel the conference," the Academy website's said.

We get it. Popey guy holds party; no one comes. Awwww!

Sounds like fun but don't do it

Anonymous killed the popey guy's web site, the one intended for use during his imminent tour of Mexico. Although this seems humorous because it involves our favorite villain (the popey guy, not Anonymous), I don't approve. We can't just cut off people's main means of communication because we don't like them. It's not right.

Let them have their little site. I have no problem with religious twits talking to each other. In fact, I wish they'd talk to each other more so they wouldn't have time to force their values on normal people.

But really: let people communicate. Imagine if progressive blogs were blocked by rightwing hackers. (Ha! Like they understand computers and can accomplish things.) It wouldn't be cool at all.

Think of Egypt and Syria. People must be free to communicate. It's the new inalienable right.

Nobody likes this popey guy

The popey guy is about to visit Mexico! Special, huh? Maybe not so much:

The imminent visit of Pope Benedict XVI to Mexico is drawing little excitement, underscoring the stark differences between this pontiff and his predecessor, John Paul II, a figure beloved to Mexicans.

But that's not the end of his Mexican problems. Every good popey guy story needs a pedophile angle, right? Here you go:

MEXICO CITY (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI arrives in Mexico this week to a very public reminder of one of the Catholic Church's most egregious sex abuse scandals: A new book says internal Vatican documents show the Holy See knew decades ago of allegations that the Mexican founder of the disgraced Legion of Christ religious order was a drug addict and pedophile. 

Oops. Is he the best popey guy ever, or what? If this guy could stay in charge for another 20 years, there'd be no church left. Go, popey guy!

Popey guy makes sexy overture to Nazi priests

So the popey guy wants to make nice with the "traditionalist" Society of St. Pius X -- otherwise known as the intensely Nazi faction of the Christian faith.

The popey guy likes the Pius guys because they hate gays and do all sorts of vicious things, as is right and proper. But apparently they're a little too Nazi for the Nazi popey guy. Amazing!

The "traditionalist" faction is mortally opposed to the church's outreach to "Jews, Muslims and members of other faiths". (Nice, eh?) Plus they don't like that damn hippie "Second Vatican Council, whose modernizing reforms included reaching out to Jews and permitting the Mass to be celebrated in local languages instead of in Latin." The Nazis no likey.

Meanwhile, the popey guy is pissing off Jews who are horrified that he's sucking up to this anti-Semite bunch. But what can the popey guy do? He wants all the really, really hateful factions of Christianity to come home to Rome. Only then, when the hate is consolidated, can they act as one, attacking gay people and women worldwide. It's the popey guy's wet dream.

Can this vile creature do anything decent? Apparently not. The head of the Catholic church is a hate-mongering pig. So what else is new?