Thursday, July 14, 2011

Confirmed: Giants closer Brian Wilson is straight

Brian Wilson is the insanely attention-hungry closer for the Giants baseball team -- you know, the one with the dyed black beard that looks so incredibly stupid.

Dimwits often say he looks like a gay man. Well, I never believed that for one second. No gay man would wear a beard that looks like it was dipped in black shoe polish. (Not to mention the mohawk.) But today comes the ultimate confirmation that he is indeed straight. We know this from the outfit he wore to the ESPY awards. According to Celebrity Cafe:
The eccentric pitcher took to the red carpet in Los Angeles wearing a one-piece, spandex tuxedo and an orange bow tie. His accessories included white gloves, a cane, red socks and black sneakers.
Only a straight guy would combine orange and red in an outfit -- or in the colors for a playground or a shopping mall or a sports arena. If you see red with orange, you know that a straight person was in charge. It's utterly impossible for a gay man to commit this atrocious color crime. Therefore Brian Wilson is straight. End of story. Phew. I didn't like thinking he might be one of us -- not that I ever did, of course.

What do you think? Am I way off base and he's really just the most tasteless gay man who ever lived? I guess there's an outside chance . . . Nah!