Sunday, May 13, 2012

Contacting the sky god: lessons from baseball

For those of you who don't know how to contact the sky god, baseball points the way. Ever since the sport became a bastion of Christianity, players have been demonstrating the correct technique. Here are two effective variations:

1. Forehead, chest, left shoulder, right shoulder, one-potato. You have contacted the sky god!

(And by "one-potato" I mean the move you make when doing "one potato, two potato, three potato, four." You know how when you say "one potato" you bring your fist to your mouth and sort of kiss the hole made by your thumb and index finger? That's the one-potato move. So, from the top: Up, down, left shoulder, right shoulder, one potato. You've got it now! You are connected with the sky god!)

2. Make the sign of the cross without the one-potato move, and then close your eyes and look constipated as you send your prayer upward. Then comes the tricky part: you must make the sign of the cross again at the end, to close your session. So it's: sign of the cross; send prayer upward with constipated look on face; end with sign of the cross again. You have contacted the sky god!