Wingnuts are funny -- Part Eleventy-Six

On Ed Brayton's essential blog, I saw something very funny today. It's a quote from anti-gay hate leader Bryan Fischer. He's super upset over the rainbow-colored paper used by an SF Burger King to celebrate Gay Pride month. Because rainbow-colored paper makes Jesus cry, or something.

On today’s radio program, Bryan Fischer said that the American Family Association is thinking about issuing an “action alert” about it out of concern that “if this isn’t bottled up in San Francisco, this kind of nonsense, then it’s going to be spreading across the entire fruited plain and you’re going to be going to your Burger King in Des Moines, Iowa and you’re going to have a rainbow color wrapper for your Whopper.”

That's just so precious. I think we should toss the standard expression, "Oh, the humanity!" and replace it with "Oh, the fruited plain!" I love it.

Duck guy fired

I think you already know that A&E fired the Duck Dynasty guy after he said anti-gay stuff to GQ. Stuff like this:

"It seems like, to me, a vagina — as a man — would be more desirable than a man's anus, that's just me," the reality star said.

Seems like a real intellectual, which is what you usually get when you watch reality TV. Anyway, I thought I'd post the link since I mentioned this turd yesterday. And speaking of turds...

[Sarah] Palin came to Robertson's defense Wednesday, posting a photo of herself with the 'Duck Dynasty' crew on Facebook.

"Free speech is an endangered species," Palin captioned the picture. "Those 'intolerants' hatin’ and taking on the Duck Dynasty patriarch for voicing his personal opinion are taking on all of us."

I'm sure she meant to say "for voicin' his personal opinion". She just slipped out of character for a moment and forgot to axe the final g. Sarah, you gotta watch that stuff. Tch.

BTW, this article says he was "suspended" rather than fired. Yesterday, I read he was fired. So...what? He'll be back in two weeks? Justice is so ephemeral.

Disgusting creature says vile things

Some guy I don't know, who's somebody-or-other from a trashy reality show that I wouldn't watch under penalty of death, felt he had to say vicious things about gay people. Because Jeebus.

"Duck Dynasty" star Phil Robertson told GQ, unsurprisingly, that he doesn't get the whole gay thing.

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men," Robertson told GQ's Drew Magary in the magazine's Janurary issue.

He then went on to describe, in detail, why he, a self-proclaimed vagina-loving man, doesn't understand the attaction [sic].

So there's that. Oh, and also, he explained why blacks were happy during the Jim Crow days in Louisiana.

"Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I'm with the blacks, because we're white trash," Robertson said. "They're singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, 'I tell you what: These doggone white people'—not a word!... Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues."

As I said: vile creature spews hatred. Details at 11. Oh, yeah: the jeebus bit. Here it is:

"I myself am a product of the 60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior. My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together. However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other."

Indeed. And isn't it odd that all these people who are filled with hate say they're pals with Jesus? Funny, that. But remember, he'd "never treat anyone with disrespect just because they're different from [him]." Uh-huh.

Piggy religious people say opposite things without ever noticing the contradictions. Because jeebus. I guess the lesson they're modeling is: watch out for that jeebus fellow. Never let him get his hands on you. Or you'll end up like this evil twit.

Timmy opens mouth again. World shudders.

Anti-gay bigot extraordinaire, Archbishop Timothy Dolan, said something stupid on the teevee. I know, he always does that. But heck, why not share his priestly words? Here they are, in all their godly glory:

“We get backlash from those who think we are too gracious, and compassionate, and loving, and accepting of gays,” Dolan said after celebrating Mass at St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

I'm sure Timmy receives millions, if not trillions, of letters expressing this sentiment -- on a daily basis, no less. This must be what every Catholic thinks. Who knew?

Then again...perhaps Timmy is wrong. Horrors, that can't be! The marvelous archbishop, wrong?! Hmmm, a simple Google search seems to show that Catholics not only support gays but are in favor of gay marriage:

US Catholics support gay marriage by a larger margin than ordinary Americans despite Church teachings that forbid it, a new poll out Friday has found.

The Quinnipiac University poll found 54 percent of Catholics support same-sex marriage while just 38 percent are opposed, compared to a 47-43 percent margin among all American voters.

I guess Timmy-boy don't cotton to no surveys. Nuh-uh. In fact, Timmy Dolan won't give up until every gay and transgender person is dead. Only then will his church of terror return to its proper state of sanctifying grace. And that's all that matters.

You're quite a guy, Timmeh. If hell was real, there would be a fiery cell waiting for you down there. (Not to worry, though. Hell isn't real and neither is Jesus.)

A bit more on Kurtz

Today we're hearing more about Archbishop Joseph Kurtz, the new head of the US Conference on Catholic Bishops (CCB). It ain't good.

The newly elected leader of the nation's Roman Catholic bishops says he will draw on his years as a pastor while seeking to reconcile Pope Francis' message of a welcoming church with the conservative ideology of American bishops. 

Of course, "welcoming" and "conservative" don't belong in the same sentence. The CCB might as well be the Christian Taliban. You won't hear anything progressive from these guys. But at least AP stated in print that the American bishops' group has a "conservative ideology". 

The article quotes a pastor who says of Kurtz, "He's got a gift for reaching out." Immediately afterward, the article states:

But Kurtz has also used his time as Louisville Archbishop to take strong stands on the kind of hot-button cultural issues the new pope says have occupied too much of the church's focus. Since coming to Louisville, he has joined praying protesters in front of an abortion clinic, donated $1,000 of archdiocese money to a same-sex marriage repeal effort in Maine and joined other Catholic leaders in denouncing a federal requirement for employers to provide health insurance that covers artificial contraceptives. 

In other words, he's a dyed-in-the-wool Catholic wingnut. It seems clear that the bishops' group purposely elected a caveman to oppose the new pope's will. They will not succumb to liberal theology. That is what I see from the appointment of Kurtz (and DiNardo as VP).

Short translation -- the bishops won't go gently into that lavender night. In fact, they'll kick and scream. What's your take on all this?

Timmy Dolan wins "Most Craven" award

There's an article in the NYT this morning with this headline: "Dolan calls Pope's tone on sexual morality a breath of fresh air". Are you roaring with laughter? You should be.

Archbishop Timmy Dolan has been the Catholic voice of anti-gay hatred in the United States for many years. It is he, more than any other Catholic cleric, who has fought acceptance of gay people in every state of our country. He is, without a doubt, the primary voice of anti-gay Catholic hatred in the United States.

Ah, but then the new pope says nice things about gay people...and suddenly we hear that Timmeh:

"embraced the 'magnificent interview' in which the pope chastised the church for its obsession with sexual morality, and called him 'a breath of fresh air'.”  

Craven. There's no other word for this man. Here's a bit more:

The pope’s message, Cardinal Dolan said, was that “we don’t look at people first and foremost as their sexual orientation or sexual identification; we look at him as a child of God, made in his image and likeness.” He added: “That’s the glasses we use. Everything else is secondary, so I hope that hits home.” 

But Timmy, you're a hateful, anti-gay bigot. Remember? No, well we do and we'll never forget. Hypocrisy seems to be built into this church.

Dolan's hate-filled Catch-22

Luckily for us, the evil head of the NY archdiocese, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, went on TV yesterday to "clarify" the pope's words about gay people.

We really needed his help, since the pope said only a day before, "If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?" We're far too stupid to understand a statement like that. So Timmy stepped in it to tell us what the pope's words really mean.

The gay-hating head of the New York Archdiocese, speaking Tuesday on "CBS This Morning," praised the new pope for the "beautifully tender way" that he spoke about the issue one day earlier.

Nice start, but he went downhill fast. To fully grok his evilness, you must recall that Dolan is the Catholic point-man for attacks on gay marriage. So what did he say on TV, to "clarify" the pope's words? 

Dolan specifically reiterated the church's teaching on same-sex relationships, noting "the immorality, in God's view, of any sexual expression outside of a man and a woman in lifelong marriage."

Thanks, Timmy! So let's see. Sex is only okay when it occurs within a marriage between (ahem) a man and a woman. Isn't that sweet? He reminds us that sex outside marriage is sinful -- and yet he is the honcho who opposes marriage for gays in the United States. So marriage makes sex okay -- but marriage must forever be denied to gay people: Catch-22. Timmy must be so proud of himself.

Thanks a lot, Timmy! We were confused by the pope's kind words but you straightened us out. Now we can go back to beating gay people up, killing them and making fun of them at every opportunity.

Hey Dolan, let me clarify your words for you. You're a filthy, gay-hating pig. If hell was real, it's where you'd belong.

Wingnut Jewish assemblyman makes fool of himself

ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — A veteran New York Assemblyman on Monday stood by his decision to wear blackface makeup, an Afro wig and a basketball jersey to a costume party in the face of criticism he called "political correctness to the absurd." 

For non-New Yorkers who may not be familiar with this clown, Dov Hikind is the stupidest leader in the local Jewish community. He is on the wrong side of everything. When I had a hand in getting NYC's gay rights bill passed in 1986, Dov Hikind was one of our most virulent enemies. He's also really, really stupid and is a bit of a Mrs. Malaprop, often saying things in a confused and graceless way.

Said Hikind about the uproar: "This is political correctness to the absurd. There is not a prejudiced bone in my body." The man is a world-class fool. Extra bonus:

Earlier this month, Hikind criticized the fashion designer John Galliano, who was recently photographed in New York City dressing as a Hasid with a long jacket and curly sidelocks...Hikind demanded an explanation from Galliano for his costume.

You can't make this stuff up. The man is a colossal fool. That he's still clamoring for attention after all these years is amazing.

Sounds about right to me

Tony "Christian Asshat" Perkins' statement:

Americans need to wake up and realize that the homosexual movement cannot be appeased--not by marriage, not by special benefits, not by anything but the sanitization of Christianity from the public square.

I like the phrase and it seems apt. Christianity of the sort that Perkins favors is indeed filthy and removing it from the public square would be an act of sanitation. Good work, Tony! You're starting to see your disgusting religion clearly.

Hat tip: Joe.My.God. I don't know how to link to an individual post on his blog. Anyone know how to do this?

Evil pope stays on point

You have to give the pope credit: he never stops beating his drum.

VATICAN CITY (AP) — The pope pressed his opposition to gay marriage Friday, denouncing what he described as people manipulating their God-given identities to suit their sexual choices — and destroying the very "essence of the human creature" in the process. 

Way to go, popey guy! Spread the true spirit of Christmas all around. Joy to the world! The article says he "made the comments in his annual Christmas address to the Vatican bureaucracy, one of his most important speeches of the year." Nice. Very nice.

And how's this for an example of colossal dissonance?

"People dispute the idea that they have a nature, given to them by their bodily identity, that serves as a defining element of the human being," he said.

I can't believe he said that. That's a great description of how gay people know they're gay. Because they "have a nature, given to them by their bodily identity, that serves as a defining element of the human being." We don't even have to change the pope's words. Seriously, who writes this guy's stuff? A gay Vatican priest who hates the pope's hypocrisy?

And now I'll speak directly to the pope. Think of this as my Xmas message to the grand man. "You pig, you." Let me repeat this: "You pig, you." What a disgusting, amoral man. Then again, who better to sit at the head of a worldwide death cult?

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Xmas!

More on the anti-gay archbishop of San Francisco

The church's (unexplained) hostility toward gay people took a giant stride forward when Pope Ratzi appointed the evil and despicable Salvatore Cordileone as the archbishop of San Francisco. Even the church hierarchy saw this as a brazen move.

"The most salient thing I can tell you is that the American bishops and archbishops I spoke with in the wake of the appointment, not seen widely as a progressive group, were stunned," Palmo said. "It was seen as a provocative gesture by Rome" to name a "combative" traditionalist like Cordileone to oversee the nation's gay capital.

Opposition to same sex marriage has emerged as a principal theme of Pope Benedict XVI's papacy. In March, he urged visiting U.S .bishops to beef up their teaching about the evils of premarital sex and cohabitation, and denounced what he called the "powerful" gay marriage lobby in America.

Yup, the pope hates gays. Because he is one, of course, but that's never spoken of. Closet cases are the primary enemies of gay people in this world, and Ratzi's one of the worst.

But I think it's kind of fun to have such an out-front evil guy appointed as archbishop. It filthies the church, which is always a good thing. And Sal's gonna be fun. He's sticking to his guns:

[Cordileone re-upped his hatred, calling] "efforts to extend marriage beyond one man and one woman 'the ultimate attack of the Evil One' and declaring that Catholics who support same-sex marriage should refrain from taking communion."

Indeed. If I was in SF, I'd consider this party time. What could be better than having an evil christian piñata to bat around? Good times! And let's not forget this:

Cordileone was arrested in San Diego in late August on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence. He has said he was drinking wine with friends and apologized for the lapse in judgment. He is scheduled to appear in court on the charge on Tuesday. 

Fun times in SF! Boo-ya!!

It never ends, does it?

The brand new Archbishop of San Francisco, Salvatore Cordileone, has been arrested for drunk driving. Cordileone is widely considered the "father of Proposition 8."

Joe.My.God has the details. This is the guy the Vatican put in place so he can persecute gays in SF. Nice job, popey guy.

This church stinks to high heaven.

It's quiet. Too quiet.

After seeing Cardinal Timmy Dolan every day for months and months, doing a new, awful thing each time he emerged from the shadows, he's gone missing! I'll bet you didn't even notice his absence. You probably just felt better and didn't know why.

So what's Timmy been doing all this while? Has he realized the error of his ways? Is he in some bunker, trying to think of loving, godly things? Is he mending his ways as we speak?

Of course not. He's dreaming up some new, spectacularly wrong-headed initiative. He's clunking heads with other bent creatures in the brotherhood of bishops, trying to come up with something that'll put him over the top and ensure that his legacy of hatred lasts for centuries.

His reign is very much like the Bush years. After Bush did something really, really wrong, you didn't think, "Oh, he's probably taking lessons to ensure that he doesn't make that mistake again." No. You thought, "What stupid, colossally evil thing will he do next?" And you held your breath. That's the way it is with Timmy.

I wonder what he's doing now. Wait, I'm getting a psychic image. He's bending over something. I think it's a little...yes, it's a little boy! OMD.

Evil sky god speaks through popey guy

An AP story reveals that the popey guy isn't mean. He's just enacting the sky god's plan. Here's how the story begins:

VATICAN CITY (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI began his eighth year as pope on Tuesday after spending the waning days of his seventh driving home his view of the Catholic Church, with a divisive crackdown on dissenters and an equally divisive opening to a fringe group of traditionalists.

He's a fun guy. The article is an attempt to understand "Benedict's recent moves to quell liberal dissent and promote a more conservative brand of Catholicism" Is it all coming from the evil popey guy's mind? Is he the worst thing that ever happened to Roman Catholicism? Nah, they say.

The pope promised [in 2005] not to impose his own will on the church but to rather listen "to the word and the will of the Lord, to be guided by him, so that he himself will lead the church at this hour of our history." 

See? It's the sky god who wants to punish liberal catholics, nuns, women in general, and gays. The poor popey guy's got nothing to do with it. The words fall out of his mouth, sure -- but it's not his fault! He's sweet -- cuddly, even. It's just that the sky god is making him say these awful things.

The Vatican last week put those words into action, cracking down on the largest umbrella group of nuns in the United States, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious . . . and accused the group of taking positions that undermine church teaching on the priesthood and homosexuality, while promoting "certain radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith." 

Indeed. Let's all attack the nuns for having a heart. That'll help the church's image. But it's not just the nuns.

[O]n the very day it announced the crackdown on the U.S. nuns, the Holy See said it was nearing agreement to bring an ultra-traditionalist conservative group of Catholics back into communion with Rome after two decades of schism.

To critics, the coincidence was remarkable: the Vatican was in a way rejecting the U.S. nuns who had embraced Vatican II and its call to go out into the world to serve the poor, while embracing the Society of St. Pius X which had rejected Vatican II.

But as he says, it's not him; it's the sky god who whispers in his ear. What can the poor guy do?

Is this guy the best thing that ever happened to the Roman Catholic Church, or what? He's given us pedophilia scandals that he himself facilitated. And he's begun a literal pogrom against gays throughout the world. (And let us note that the popey guy is a big queen. Closet cases always lash out at openly gay men. It's what they do.) He clearly is the most evil pope in ages. If he keeps this up, the church won't last another ten years. Go, popey guy!

Go sign this petition

Remember Joseph Amodeo, the guy who quit the NYC church group over Cardinal Timmy Dolan's "arrogant and dismissive letter to Carl Siciliano"? Well, now he's launched a petition to ask Dolan to meet with some of NYC's homeless LGBT youth. Remember: this sinful cardinal may one day become the popey guy, which will give him a much larger platform from which to attack LGBT people. We've got to stop him now.

Add your name to the petition and let's see how this incredibly insincere, hateful man responds. Dolan should be hung out to dry over this and you can help.

Remember, 40% of the homeless kids living on the street in New York are LGBT. That's not right and it's even worse when a church that paints itself as a social service provider for those in need purposely avoids helping this group of vulnerable kids. It's sickening and un-Christian. Tell Timmy Dolan how you feel.

Thanks to Joe.My.God for alerting me to this petition. (Image stolen from Joe's site.)