Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I'm sick of the new pope

I've had it with this new pope. He's worse than Ratzinger. Oh no, wait! They haven't hired the new guy yet. Never mind.

So far, we've seen only black smoke coming from the Vatican chimney -- three times. There's a lot of silly news about how they created this intensely black smoke but they're just guessing. Only I have the inside scoop.

It seems an argument broke out between a flinty-eyed reformer-cardinal and an iron-willed curia-cardinal. The moment they landed the first punches, flames filled the chapel. The result was a conflagration that nearly burned the Sistine Chapel to the ground. In the end, as both cardinals lay on the floor exhausted, an acrid, black smoke rose from their bodies and exited through the chimneys overhead.

And so it goes in the holy conclave. I thought I'd be able to tell you everything that went on in there. You see, I have a spy who is part of the proceedings. But so far, he's only sent four cryptic words. I'd like to share them with my readers:

"Cardinals farting like trumpets."

That's all I've heard. And you know, I really don't care. Truly, I'm already sick of the new pope. Aren't you? After all, there is no god, so it really doesn't matter. In any case, rest assured. The new pope will be as bad as the last one.