Whither Winter?

It seems Winter won't reach the northeast this . . . uh . . . Winter. It's been a rainy spring for months. So rainy, in fact, that our lawn has gone the way of the dodo. It's just mud. The grass suffocated under the water. The excessive wetness makes me worry about the roots of the largest trees. We've got huge trees on our property. Can their roots possibly be stable after living in water for months? I'll bet they've rotted, which means a high wind could cause them to topple over.

Because it's warm, the plants and trees are budding and the pollen is running wild. I'm an allergic wreck. But it's even worse than that: I've got Spring Fever. I swear, I haven't been able to focus my mind for a couple of weeks. It's definitely Spring Fever -- at the end of February.

Making things totally super-terrific, they had to shut the water off in my house yesterday. A pipe broke under the house and they're going to have to bring in digging machines to get to it. In the interim, it's bone dry in here. If you've ever lived through this, you know that a house without water is a true pain in the butt, especially when you have mayonnaise on your hand.

And the geese never migrated. It's going to be a very odd Spring this year. There are serious complications for the geese. I plan to post about this very soon. And dog only knows what the summer will bring. Super heat? I don't look forward to that.

How is it in your area? Any other Spring Fever sufferers out there?

They're not done yet (taps fingernails rapidly on desk)

So I'm in this ditch of time, waiting. My sister and her husband are reading the final version of Xmas Carol.

When I gave them the book, I told them to drop everything and fall into a chair and read until they came to "The End". But did they listen to me? Hmph. No, they have lives to lead. They have things to do. They're busy. I don't understand it. Everyone's supposed to do I want, aren't they? I'm going to check the rules but I'm almost sure people have to listen to me. Anyway, I'm waiting for them to finish the book.

This version is very different from the one they read last year. I'm most interested in getting their reactions to a few plot changes. I haven't said anything about this to them -- and they don't read the blog so we can talk about them all we want. (Fun, huh?) Anyway, I want to see how the new version works for them. I think everything will pass muster.

Meanwhile, I'm spending my time reading the book. I guess I've read it 30 or more times. The funny thing is, I'm enjoying reading it. There was a time when the book had problems and I had to nearly strangle every paragraph to make it work. But no longer. My endless edits worked. I like what I'm reading.

Of course, Xmas Carol is my baby and as long as it's in my possession (in other words, until publication) I'm going to play with it. So yes, I'm still changing things here and there. It's like when you've cleaned your house and made it beautiful for your guests -- but they haven't arrived yet. So you walk through the rooms, straightening a picture here, wiping a smudge off a table there. You're applying the finishing touches and it's a pleasant pastime. It's fun to play with the icing on the cake. That's what I'm doing these days.

And the book sounds just right. You don't know how happy that makes me.

Popey guy spouts more nonsense

You learn something new every day. Here's the lede for a popey guy story in the Times:

Vatican City (AP) -- Pope Benedict XVI has called on infertile couples to shun artificial procreation, saying such methods are a form of arrogance.

Are you roaring with laughter yet? Arrogance? This, from the prime agent of human arrogance. They really have no sense of irony. The story goes on:

Benedict spoke Saturday at the end of a 3-day Vatican conference on diagnosing and treating infertility. Reiterating Vatican teaching, he called marriage the only permissible place to conceive children.

Two things here are funny. First, the very fact that the all-male vatican loons held a conference on infertility. It's just like the recent Republican panel on contraceptives: a bunch of pinhead men focusing on matters that concern women. It's rich.

The other thing is this idea of referring to marriage as "the only permissible place" to conceive children. Now, I had no idea marriage was a place. I really didn't. Now everything makes perfect sense! They don't want gays to marry and have children in this place that is marriage. On account of, you know, it'll get crowded there. I really, really didn't know that marriage was like a city or a country club. Silly me. I thought it was a simple, straightforward arrangement between two like-minded people.

Thank dog we have the popey guy to clear stuff like this up for us. Thanks, popey guy!

Amazing tech story

Here's the idea: you'll be able to run Windows on your iPad (!!!) for free, and for $5 a month, you'll also get an internet connection that's faster than anything now possible with an iPad. It sounds crazy. The service is called Onlive Desktop and it will eventually ramp up to a system where, for $10 a month, you'll be able to run any Windows program on your iPad.

It's crazy weird (and wonderful, if it works) and you can read about it here. It's like something out of a sci-fi novel. You'll actually be sending commands to a real, live Windows computer which will enact your commands and send the results back to your iPad. Lickety-split, if the article can be believed. And it'll provide Flash, the missing element on current iPads.

As a PageMaker junkie I really, really miss being able to create publications with it (because I moved to a Mac). Quark Express will never ring my bell. I've got it and hardly use it. I want my PageMaker and this may provide it. Guess I'll need an iPad too, huh?

Cenk is a joy

When the world grew dark during the Bush years, Keith Olbermann really lifted my spirits. I'd never heard anyone talk like that on TV. Bill Maher was another bright light in those days. I can't watch either of them anymore, but that's another story.

Today, in our new, brain-free American society of willfully ignorant religious gits and greedy grab-everythings, Cenk Uygur is a breath of fresh air. I thank dog that he exists.

I think Cenk is sweet. I love his honesty and persistence and the way he's emotionally transparent. I like what I see inside this man. I also find him to be impressive. None of what he says is scripted yet he puts out a coherent show every evening. The guy's smart and he never gets lost as he's presenting complex information. Our Cenk can think on his feet. That's a real talent.

What he's doing is teaching. Each night for an hour, Cenk schools America and explains what's going on in our country, clearly and simply. He's quite a guy. I wonder how long they'll continue to let him speak the truth, and how they'll try to bring him down. Compared to Cenk, Rachel Maddow wears a muzzle when she does her show. The powers that be must be salivating over the prospect of taking him down. They see this guy as dangerous. To them, he's Bradley Manning. And you know what? They're right. I think both deserve medals of honor.

Go, Cenk!

PS: He's having John Ratzenberger on Friday's show -- Cliff Clavin from Cheers! Is that must-see TV or what?

PPS: Just in case you don't know Cenk is, his  show is The Young Turks. It's on weeknights on Current TV at 7 PM. Watch it!

Shades of OJ

I couldn't believe the breathless helicopter coverage of the passage of Cardinal Timmy Dolan's car from the airport to Manhattan. It was like the OJ Bronco chase, I swear.

Everyone has lost their mind. This is a hateful man in a dress. He's not wonderful and interesting, he's slimy and disgusting. And I don't know when NYC's TV stations turned into Christian news stations, but the morph is complete. It's sickening.

Who can say?

Niles here. They had to rush Keith to a special Writers' Hospital! Early word is that he's having an episode. I told him he was working too hard on the final draft of Xmas Carol but he wouldn't stop editing no matter what I, his trusted adviser of many years, said.

Just tonight, I received word from Doctor Vito, his physician (you heard he's out, right?). Doctor Vito rushed to his side (via Skype) when he heard that Keith had gone down. The following excerpt is from his email to me:

It may be that he saw one misplaced modifier too many, perhaps as he trolled the net. In his over-edited condition, a really ripe misplaced modifier could have sent him right over the edge. You cannot do that much editing and hope to remain sane. I see this with authors all the time in my private practice. But as to exactly what sent him over the edge? Who can say?

Indeed. I will remain at Keith's side until the mental tremors pass. Oh, and he so wanted to get Xmas Carol out before Spring Training began. It will be a fierce blow to him if he can't meet this self-imposed deadline. In truth, I worry he might not survive.

And then where would the world be?

The disease spreads

Some financially strong Catholic-sponsored medical centers are joining with smaller secular hospitals, in some cases limiting access to treatments like contraception and abortion.

Vatican insider says popey guy not too evil

We start with this:

DUBLIN (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI has been "relentless and consistent" in seeking to oust child abusers from the priesthood worldwide, the pontiff's new American envoy to Ireland said Sunday in his first homily here.

Indeed. And who is this fool who praises the evil popey guy? A NY Times article provides the answer:

Archbishop Charles Brown, a 52-year-old Manhattan native and veteran Vatican insider, was making his first public address since officially taking up his post as Irish papal nuncio three days ago . . .

Brown noted his own 17-year work as an official of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the powerful Vatican body that enforces church policies — including the removal of pedophiles from the priesthood. Benedict, then known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, oversaw the body from 1981 until his promotion to pope in 2005.

Ah, so you're the fellow who assisted the popey guy in his efforts to transfer pedophile priests and hide their crimes. As Cenk says, "Of course! Of course!"

What a filthy church this is. I almost vomited while watching the excessive coverage of glutton Timmy Dolan picking up his shiny red hat this weekend. They told him to become the fierce Catholic face of anti-gay hatred, and he came through in spades. You get a red hat for that. Congrats, Timmy. You stink to high heaven and they've rewarded you for it. As I often note: that's quite a church you've got there.

"Blog like a Republican" Day

This could be fun. Let's set aside one day each year where all sensible bloggers toss our rationality out the window and blog like a Republican.

It could be great fun. We could, for instance, write two (or three or four) conflicting posts in one day. We could "misspeak" and do all sorts of hilarious things. But mostly, it would be a contest to see who could come up with the most scurrilous, inane reasoning for a wrong-headed action.

Just think of the possibilities!

Department of Duh

The headline for a Reuters story:

Santorum says Obama agenda not "based on bible"

Duh. I like the attitude of the White House response although it lacks an important component (see below):

"This is just the latest low in a Republican primary campaign that has been fueled by distortions, ugliness, and searing pessimism and negativity . . ." Ben LaBolt

They certainly deserve that. But he missed the gorilla in the room. LaBolt should have pointed out that our government's "agenda" not only isn't based on the bible but shouldn't be and couldn't be. On account of the, you know, Constitution. 

But no, everyone lets the religious nonsense slide on by. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Hey, a baseball story

There's a sweet article in the NY Times today about baseball's groundskeepers. It's a sign of the times, kiddies. You know what's right around the corner, don't you? Spring Training! Woot!

You've got your ereaders ready, right?

You'll need an ereader if you want to read Xmas Carol. I find the e-ink readers to be the best. It's just like reading a book: no back-lighting and you need a lamp if it's nighttime. Works for me.

But the iPad3 should be out in a couple of weeks. I admit it's tempting but I'm not sure what it would be like to read an entire book on one. Still, some people love reading on them. The rumors about the coming version sound great. Allegedly, it will have double the screen resolution of the iPad2. That would be amazing and it would provide the perfect escape when the power goes out. If it's charged and you've got a movie or two to watch, you're set. Who knows? They might be fun to read on, too. But I'll need to be convinced. It seems Apple is going to announce the new iPad in the first week of March.

My favorite reader is the Sony Reader. That's my model you see up there. I bought three of them a few years ago and they're dependable workhorses. Yes, it's true they're one-trick ponies but if reading is what you want to do, they've got you covered. (By the way, it tries to tie you in to their bookstore, using lousy software, no less. The solution is to ignore their software entirely and download Calibre. It will do everything you need. Just buy epub versions of books or download free epubs of older books, and then load them into your Reader with Calibre.)

Of course, you can always get a Kindle. The simpler versions with the e-ink technology are as good as my trusty Sony Reader. (I wouldn't get the Fire if my main purpose was to read. Again, e-ink is the way to go. And you won't get e-ink with an iPad.)

But whatever your choice, get the damn thing ready to go. It won't be long now (and dog knows you've had enough time to work on this). You know you want to read Xmas Carol the day it comes out. C'mon, admit it. So get that ereader ready!

Paragraph death match

Things are great in Xmas Carol land. I like what I read, no matter where in the book I stop. At this point I'm just wandering through the text and enjoying the scenery . . . but every now and then an ornery paragraph surfaces and it and I engage in a death match.

I swear, at times I'll spend over two hours on one paragraph. It drives me crazy. There I am, happily driving through the book when I have to pull up next to a paragraph that doesn't sound right (or doesn't work logically, which is even worse). In any case, I don't like the paragraph. I'm mad at it. So I smack it around and try to say the thing every which-what way . . . and this goes on and on and on. Today I wrangled with one for over an hour and finally highlighted the whole damn thing and clicked "delete". Sometimes that's the only way out.

But despite my grappling with the occasional rude paragraph, the book is done. My sister is reading it, my nephew is reading it and my brother-in-law is reading it. Mostly, I want to see if they notice any typos, but of course it's always fun to get people's reactions. My nephew hasn't read it before, though my sister and her husband have. Thankfully, the latter two will find this version quite different.

By the way, speaking of fabulous catches (which is what editing is all about) I found an awful typo yesterday. I swear, some typos are the kind that can haunt your forever. I almost let one through:

Here's the set-up: a female character wondered why she was dressing with such care for a date. The final line in the paragraph was the answer to her question. It was supposed to say: "He was worth it." But reading the scene yesterday I found that it said: "He was worth tit." And this paragraph led right into a sex scene. Lord! It would have looked like I meant to say that. Typos from hell.

Anyway, all is well. The book should be out in a week or so -- as soon as my final pre-publication reviews roll in. (Read quickly, people!) Thanks for hanging in with me, everybody.

The term "atheist" has to go

I came across a headline today: "Atheist family sues to get 'under God' stripped from Pledge of Allegiance". That sounds awful, doesn't it? I suspect that religious people can't even picture this "atheist family" referred to in the headline. It's a weird, out-of-focus boogeyman for them because the term "atheist" tells you nothing useful about a person. I talked about this in a recent post, but it bears repeating.

Pssssst . . .

I think Xmas Carol might be done. No matter what part I read, I'm happy. I'm going to stare at it really hard tomorrow. And then . . .

A ham and egger

I watched a Mets/Giants baseball game from 2010 tonight. During the broadcast, Ron Darling referred to a player as a ham and egger.

When Gary Cohen asked what the phrase meant, Darling said "a ham and egger is a guy who goes on the DL with a minor injury the minute he hears he's gonna be sent down".

I like the term though I wonder about it. How does ham and eggs become the symbol of a useless guy who never steps up and always looks out for himself rather than the team? To me, the phrase ham and egger makes me think of someone who sends out for breakfast and eats it on the delivery bag at his desk. But then, I lived half my life in offices. It must mean something else to baseball players, huh? I wonder what.

Suggestions?

One great cop

A retired police officer from Philadelphia is being harassed for wearing his old uniform (with an Occupy button on it) to Occupy protests. They arrested him for it once before but he says he's proud of his police past and will continue to wear the uniform to Occupy demonstrations. Good for him!

Go read the article. Ray Lewis seems like a terrific guy. We need more like him. But what struck me about the article was the way the police officers' union is attacking him for wearing the uniform to Occupy demonstrations. After all the awful images of policemen pepper-spraying Occupy protesters for no reason other than to be brutish, it says a lot that the police union isn't on this officer's (i.e., the people's) side.

It only accentuates the new police image as black-uniformed, jackbooted SWAT lunatics who indulge in brutish behavior while opposing the people and standing up for their corporate overlords. How low the police have fallen in the last few years.

Kinda reminds me of the Roman Catholic church, come to think of it. Once moral heroes, now emblems of hate, irrationality and defilement. The church and the SWAT guys -- a match made in heaven.

Catholic bishops ooze with filth

You already know the story about Obama, contraception and the evil Catholic bishops. Here's something from today's NY Times:

The bishops said the plan offered insufficient protection for their institutions: “In the case where the employee and insurer agree to add the objectionable coverage, that coverage is still provided as a part of the objecting employer’s plan, financed in the same way as the rest of the coverage offered by the objecting employer. This, too, raises serious moral concerns."

"PS, we rape children."

Okay, I added the last part but it belongs there, no? How can these oozing sores of catholicism pretend to speak about morality? They lost that right long ago. But at least some Catholic organizations see what's really going on. Here's another quote from the article:

James Salt, executive director of Catholics United, a liberal advocacy group that is organizing support for the Obama administration, said, “The bishops’ blanket opposition appears to serve the interests of a political agenda, not the needs of the American people.”

That's the truth: Roman Catholicism = GOP = NOM = filth. Wake up and see the church for what it is. It's a boil on the face of humanity and it needs to be excised.

This and that

One of the odd things about getting old is the fact you can't count on your face anymore. Somedays it's great. You look in the mirror and think, "By Jove, I've still got it!" But only days later, it's all gone and there's an ancient person peering back at you. It's like your face hasn't got enough energy to remain poised so every now and then, the whole scaffold collapses. It's kinda fun!

Next unrelated thing: What is with this label of "atheist"? There has never been a dumber term. Think of the difference between "progressive" and "atheist". They're both labels, right? But there's a big difference. One tells what the person is while the other tells you nothing about the person, nothing at all. Not being something is not worthy of a label. Do we say non-blueberrious for people who don't eat blueberries? No, it doesn't come up because it's irrelevant (unless you're at a blueberry festival). Similarly, atheist just denotes a normal person whose brain isn't fogged by fairytales. But it's not a positive statement of anything. Knowing someone is an atheist tells you nothing about the person.

And for your final, unrelated note of the day, let us laugh at this idiotic term: erectile dysfunction. I find it a funny phrase. It's so active. Erectile -- why, that's just like projectile. It's so manly! And powerful. And comin' atcha. Jesus, guys, get a grip. (No pun intended.)

That is all.

Airdrop works like a dream

On Black Friday, I bought the cheapest MacBook Air. No bells or whistles, just the essential Apple goodness -- and it was $100 bucks off. I use it only for writing. It has no photos on it, no music, just Scrivener (my writing program) and the zillion useful apps that come with every Mac.

I bought a Mac laptop because I knew it would work well with my desktop computer. And boy, does it! Both computers are running Lion, Apple's latest OS, which means I can use Airdrop to transfer files between the two. It works so well, it's frightening.

I can work on Xmas Carol on my desktop computer for a few hours and then drop the file on the icon of the Air. That's all I have to do. Then I leave with the Air, work on the book some more and when I get back, I drop the file on the icon of the desktop computer. And that's it. They're in synch. It's amazing.

We always knew that computers would work like magic someday. Thanks to Apple, some of that magic is here.

What triggered the American collapse?

Was it when people began to use "party" as a verb?

Was it the day Tang was foisted on the American public?

Was it the moment when we lost the distinction between "simple" and "simpleton"?

Or was it when they told us we could put our own pictures on stamps?

When was it? I've got to know or I'll go mad! Mad, I tell you!!

When do you think the slide began?

Misplaced modifiers, Part B

The family of a Georgia woman claims a homeowners association should have removed an alligator from a subdivision that they say may have killed the woman.

Someone has to do something about that evil subdivision!

The written word and the wall

"I never heard anything about this. If I didn't stick my head in the letter, I never would have known." 

So said a woman being interviewed for a local news story. She was bemoaning the fact that she didn't know that a teacher at her child's school was producing child porn -- until she happened to read a letter the school sent to her.

It made me wonder if she saw the world as split down the middle, with oral communication on one side and written words on the other. The way she phrased this -- "If I didn't stick my head in the letter" -- almost makes it seem like she had to push her head through a porthole to read the words written on the other side. It's as if there was literally a physical barrier in her way.

Maybe that's true for a lot of people these days. For them, written English hardly exists. And her message is one that requires attention. Translated, it's this: "You're not reaching us here on the other side!" We can't just rely on written notices if we have crucial information to dispense. There are people we'll never reach that way. So we have to improvise. That's the lesson.

Not too bloggy lately

I'm working madly on Xmas Carol. It will be done very soon. In fact, I think that when I've completed this edit of the book, I may just do a spell-check, assemble the electronic versions and send it out to you guys. I'm close.

One great thing is that I rewrote one of the scenes, inserting a wild idea. It's a terrific addition to the book. See? If I had published an earlier version of the book, that idea wouldn't be in it. These last few editing passes really count. Trust me on this.

In any case, my work on Xmas Carol leaves little time for blogging. Expect a swarm of fresh posts once I get this book out. I'm loving the sound of it right now. The wait will be worth it. I promise.

Synched in time

It's the 200th anniversary of Charles Dickens' birthday, which is very nice because Xmas Carol will be published this year. I wonder if he would have liked it.

Capote

Today I was wondering about the fact that I agonize over every word in my books. This is why it's taking me so long to get Xmas Carol out: I seek perfection. Anyway, while thinking about this I remembered that Truman Capote said he agonized over every word of his novels.

I don't bring this up to indicate that I am in any way Capote-like, except for being gay. It's just that while searching for his name and any mention of his habit of "agonizing over every word" of his novels, I came upon a nice review of Too Brief a Treat: The Letters of Truman Capote. It includes several excerpts from the book. I must say, reading the review made me want to buy the book. Due to some strange oversight, I didn't even know it existed. You'll find the review here.

It's sad that we lost this man. It really is. He would have written many more great books (once he got sober).

We should thank the popey guy, not revile him

In one of the emptiest gestures yet, the Vatican held a closed-door meeting in Rome, allegedly as a way to move forward in the church's golden era of child abuse, but really to hide it away and plaster praise on the worst offenders.

Here's an excerpt from the story:

ROME (AP) — A top American cardinal on Monday defended Pope Benedict's handling of sexual abuse cases by clergy, saying he should be praised not criticized, as advocates for abuse victims demanded that the Vatican release its secret files on pedophile priests. 

Indeed. And who said this? Why, it was a "top American cardinal", Cardinal Levada, the very man who preceded the popey guy in the position of "head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the church office ensuring doctrinal purity and, in recent decades, also shaping the Holy See's policies on handling abuse cases involving clergy."

So Levada oversaw the early days of the pedophile scandal, and then handed the reins to the popey guy, who put whipped cream and a cherry on top. These two men are the walking piles of moral decay who allowed the child abuse scandal to continue, the very men who protected the pedophile priests while ensuring that children remained in danger.

And what was Levada's function at this grand meeting? He was the symposium's keynote opening speaker. Here's more of his nonsense:

Levada lamented that the pope "has had to suffer attacks by the media over these past years in various parts of the world when he should receive the gratitude of us all, in the Church and outside it." 

Oh, the poor popey guy. My heart bleeds. By the way, the church's next move will be to create 22 new cardinals. Among them is archbishop Timothy Dolan, the evil man in charge of persecuting gay people for the church, and another evil twit. Here's a takeout from the story that describes this gem of a priest:

Next week, Benedict will raise 22 churchmen to the rank of cardinal, including a former bishop of Savona, Italy, who abuse victims allege failed to act for years on accusations of pedophile cases in that diocese. Monsignor Domenico Calcagno currently heads a Vatican office. 

Sweet. The church is a criminal organization and it is crowning new mafia dons. Anyone who remains a catholic in light of all the church has done, is morally bankrupt.

Speaking of Hans Brinker

The Netherlands is trying to decide if the ice is sturdy enough to hold the "Elfstedentocht" -- a huge ice-skating marathon described as "one of the most deeply-cherished Dutch cultural traditions."

This is the first time since 1997 that there may be enough ice to do it. The article says that if a cold snap continues, they should be able to skate "a 200-kilometer (125-mile) network of canals connecting 11 cities around the province of Friesland."

Just like back in the Little Ice Age, I guess. Kinda nice. I wish I was there to skate it. I love ice-skating.

Sordid tales from the Wordsmith Shelter

Someone smuggled in an iPhone and we're all having a relapse! We're fighting over who can play the game! And we've got the counselor tied up!

I've got the iPhone now and I'm wasting my playing time by contacting you this way. But I had to get the word out:

Major relapse at the Wordsmith Shelter! Someone tell someone!

Popey guy transfers whistleblower to the sticks

So the number 2 administrator at the castle of gold called the Vatican, blew the whistle on corruption by the popey guy. And it ended up "cost[ing] the Holy See millions of euros in terms of higher contract prices."

(I don't know about you but I go all goosebumps when they refer to themselves as the "Holy See"!)

So I guess this means the popey guy can't give all the contracts to the cute guys anymore. You know how he loves those sweaty workmen. And getting found out cost him big bucks. So what does he do? He transfers the guy to that pit of Hell they call "Washington". Not sure if it's D.C. or that other one. Either way, he won't be wearing jewels and drinking from gold coffee cups anymore. He is no longer a member of the Official Popey Guy Club. That must hurt!

There is no morality at the Vatican. And jeebus is just a fairytale. That's why these sorts of things happen in the church every single day. Raping kids, protecting pedophiles, funneling money wherever the hell they want, attacking gays all around the world -- that's just an honest day's work at the Vatican. Nice religion they've got there.

Wordsmith and I are breaking up

I guess it was always going to end this way. We just can't co-exist. How can I have a relationship with an entity that thinks Lotto and SOS are words? I can't, that's how.

So that's it. Wordsmith and I are no longer an item. I know some of you will be shocked because you expected us to stay together for a long time. But you know what? Your expectations aren't my concern right now. I have to think of myself.

I'll be staying at a local Wordsmith Shelter for the next few days. If they have internet access, I'll try to get a post out (grief permitting).

Twisted Catholic morality

You know the church lady in NYC who stole a million dollars from the church she worked for? Here's the story about it. And here's a quote from the sainted woman herself:

“I went to Mass every day,” Collins said, portraying herself as a devout Catholic pained by her sins. “My faith is strong. I’m praying for all the people I’ve hurt.” 

She issued 458 checks recorded as being for legitimate expenses like electricity and office supplies, prosecutors say. She deposited the checks, written out to her son, into her own bank account. “I’m at peace with God,” Collins told the Daily News, insisting her repeated breaking of the Eighth Commandment was forgiven,'

God is really handy when you break laws. Well, as long as she's fine with god, I guess that's all that matters.

Well, all right then

Blending politics and religion, President Barack Obama said his Christian faith is a driving force behind his economic policies, from Wall Street reform to his calls for the wealthy to pay higher taxes.

Phew. Everyone stand down. Jeebus is on the case. Thank dog!

Sideways compliments

I love to write companies and offer them a compliment that's actually a cutting remark. For instance, I recently wrote to my local NYC TV station:

"I am writing today to express my appreciation for the way you present the news. I can rest assured that when I tune into your station each night, I won't have to be scared by any new news that I don't already know about. I love the way you only cover the stories from yesterday. That is such a comfort to me! My stomach doesn't get all roiled up with nervous anticipation and I can watch the show with comfort. Thank you so much! And please don't ever change!!!"

Okay, I did it better for the real email but I can't find it at the moment. But you get the idea. Have you ever done this? We can always go all Julia Sugarbaker on them and rip them apart verbally but I think sideways comments are more effective and more fun. After all, if the reader isn't too bright, he or she will think this is an actual person's real thoughts. That's the part that's really fun.

Have you done this?